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:icondearpoetry: More from DearPoetry

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Submitted on
September 23, 2012
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Sutured together by artists,

devoured blasphemy-

hallowed out, & spit back up,

( you are afraid. )

Hooks longing for her ribcage embrace;

god-hands that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her deflowered frame.

( spread your legs. )

Red-inked and trembling,

prosetry masked as screams

knots into her anatomy.

Written for =dreamsinstatic's poetry contest: [link]

Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones

I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?

How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.

featured: [link]
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Hi, I am here to critique your work on behalf of

I have to be honest that I was glad to find one of your poems in the gallery, because I really enjoy the way you write.
Once again in this poem you show some really strong control over imagery. I particularly liked 'god-hands'; for me that was easily the strongest line in the poem.

I personally felt like the middle stanza suffered somewhat from your decision to use longer lines; though the imagery is very strong, it seems a little overstretched. Try re-reading the poem aloud to see what I mean: you can feel it especially in the final line of the stanza, but it also seems to want for a break (or a breath) after 'god-hands' itself. Possibly look at playing with enjambment to control the poem's pace, though it has the bonus effect of making it appear more interesting on the page, too. I played around with it here:

'Hooks longing for her ribcage

embrace; god-hands

that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her frame.'

(I dropped 'deflowered' from the final line partly because it felt a little elongated and partly because that word just kind of grates on me; it feels a little too "poemy". Obviously it's important to the context of the poem but since you've already described her as "gargoyle"-like - and gargoyles are NEVER thought of as new or pristine - you might be able to get away with it. Similarly I'd maybe reconsider 'carry my seed' in the final line: it feels a little directly sexual, colloquial and maybe even a little cliched when compared to the language in the rest of the poem. Wow, long brackets right here.)

I like the use of brackets to insert not only a distinct voice into the poem, but a bit of context as well. I'd look at pushing this even further though: although the imagery is very interesting, I couldn't help but feel a little...adrift when reading it. It's something I often struggle with in my own poetry, especially if it's a piece I've redrafted several times; you become so confident in what you're conveying that the message can become a little murky to the actual reader. It's not necessarily a bad thing; a little ambiguity in a poem is generally what I find most interesting, but in this piece I think you've given yourself the opportunity to properly contextualise it without compromising the...artistry of the poem.

I hope you found this useful and please do remember a lot of this critique is coloured by personal preference; in no way am I trying to suggest the parts I mentioned are at all bad or wrong. Apologies if it feels like I've only focused on things that could improve, but I consider this to be a very strong poem that really just needs a little tinkering.

- Sam.
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chewyraezen Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well written! shivers!
DearPoetry Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
JoeyBelle18 Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I like that you shared something put of your comfort zone. It's the pieces that scare us or we're unsure of, that are our best work. Keep it up I enjoy your work. You have a lot great talent :)
DearPoetry Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the kind words!
I see what you mean!
SeraiFog Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Damn scary piece! Amazingly written
DearPoetry Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
YoSop Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh dear, you really got where you wanted to go.:meow:
DearPoetry Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad.
YoSop Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good.:)
Pencil-Wolf Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
You've achieved what you wanted. I really like the poem, but at the same time, I hate it. Makes me feel uncomfortable and all squirmy.

I've wanted to do something like this for a while. >.<
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