Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login




Sutured together by artists,

devoured blasphemy-

hallowed out, & spit back up,


( you are afraid. )


Hooks longing for her ribcage embrace;

god-hands that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her deflowered frame.


( spread your legs. )


Red-inked and trembling,

prosetry masked as screams

knots into her anatomy.


Written for =dreamsinstatic's poetry contest: [link]

Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones

I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?

How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.

featured: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:icongay-mountain:
Hi, I am here to critique your work on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

I have to be honest that I was glad to find one of your poems in the gallery, because I really enjoy the way you write.
Once again in this poem you show some really strong control over imagery. I particularly liked 'god-hands'; for me that was easily the strongest line in the poem.

I personally felt like the middle stanza suffered somewhat from your decision to use longer lines; though the imagery is very strong, it seems a little overstretched. Try re-reading the poem aloud to see what I mean: you can feel it especially in the final line of the stanza, but it also seems to want for a break (or a breath) after 'god-hands' itself. Possibly look at playing with enjambment to control the poem's pace, though it has the bonus effect of making it appear more interesting on the page, too. I played around with it here:

'Hooks longing for her ribcage

embrace; god-hands

that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her frame.'

(I dropped 'deflowered' from the final line partly because it felt a little elongated and partly because that word just kind of grates on me; it feels a little too "poemy". Obviously it's important to the context of the poem but since you've already described her as "gargoyle"-like - and gargoyles are NEVER thought of as new or pristine - you might be able to get away with it. Similarly I'd maybe reconsider 'carry my seed' in the final line: it feels a little directly sexual, colloquial and maybe even a little cliched when compared to the language in the rest of the poem. Wow, long brackets right here.)

I like the use of brackets to insert not only a distinct voice into the poem, but a bit of context as well. I'd look at pushing this even further though: although the imagery is very interesting, I couldn't help but feel a little...adrift when reading it. It's something I often struggle with in my own poetry, especially if it's a piece I've redrafted several times; you become so confident in what you're conveying that the message can become a little murky to the actual reader. It's not necessarily a bad thing; a little ambiguity in a poem is generally what I find most interesting, but in this piece I think you've given yourself the opportunity to properly contextualise it without compromising the...artistry of the poem.

I hope you found this useful and please do remember a lot of this critique is coloured by personal preference; in no way am I trying to suggest the parts I mentioned are at all bad or wrong. Apologies if it feels like I've only focused on things that could improve, but I consider this to be a very strong poem that really just needs a little tinkering.

- Sam.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconchewyraezen:
chewyraezen Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well written! shivers!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconjoeybelle18:
JoeyBelle18 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I like that you shared something put of your comfort zone. It's the pieces that scare us or we're unsure of, that are our best work. Keep it up I enjoy your work. You have a lot great talent :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the kind words!
I see what you mean!
Reply
:iconseraifog:
SeraiFog Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Damn scary piece! Amazingly written
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconyosop:
YoSop Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh dear, you really got where you wanted to go.:meow:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad.
Reply
:iconyosop:
YoSop Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good.:)
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
You've achieved what you wanted. I really like the poem, but at the same time, I hate it. Makes me feel uncomfortable and all squirmy.

I've wanted to do something like this for a while. >.<
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Make your writing all squirmy? lol
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
XD Yes, and very.. uh, brusque? And rough.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The best kind, in my opinion.
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes. The kind with that kind of language, and the kind that, because of it, evoke strong emotions, such as repulsion.
Reply
:iconrenovative:
Renovative Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
nice flow sick sadistic in way way most are scared to depict all together very nice
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Like I said, I stumbled out of my comfort zone with this.
I mean even though I wrote this, it still makes me squirm uncomfortably.
But that is exactly what I wanted. I want uncomfortable, I want it remembered that way.
Reply
:iconrenovative:
Renovative Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)Thats exdactly the reason why I like it ;)
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Were you going for deeply unsettled. Because you hit the nail on the head haha. I read it in a demonic voice in my head, very scary.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, it even makes my skin crawl.
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Then you my friend, are too good. It's time for you to be famous!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You think? lol
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I've been thinking it for a while but yeah, totally. I would buy your work as long as you kept it within my budget haha
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I have been working on a poetry collection--very very slowly, but still working on it.
Trying to get pieces I've posted here, and some that I haven't.
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Woot!
Yes, you will be famous soon :)
Reply
:icontauristicmonkey:
TauristicMonkey Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's amazing. And terrifying, it reminds me of something I'm going through right now.
But it's still amazing. Good work!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much.
Glad to hear it's scary and that you like it!
Reply
:icongummybearknifes:
gummybearknifes Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
It really touches your feelings. I love it.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconits-a-yetti:
its-a-yetti Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this actually really frightens me, even though it's beautiful.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It was meant to.
Glad you like it though. :)
Reply
:iconreflectionsinwater:
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think the simple straightfoward sentences after beautiful imagery really help to keep the poem together and convey that sense of raw emotion. I'm still confused to what this is all about, but maybe that's good to keep the reader guessing in fear. It sure is quite dark (hooks hanging for you ribcage was brilliant). The flow is also well done to convey the sense of rushing :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
To me, it sounds like virgin sacrifice.
I need to not watch old school scary movies before I write.
Because my writing seems to reflect what I've seen. lol

Thank you for your thoughts on this, helps me a lot! :)
Reply
:iconstarkpretty:
Starkpretty Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
This is fantastic. It sounds like some hideous ritual from long ago, something dread and secret.

Besides, the imagery is fantastic, and so obscure! I love it when someone writes with such daring imagery.

<3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, exactly what I was going for!
Glad you caught it!
Reply
:iconstarkpretty:
Starkpretty Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
;) good poetry + good poet = great images!!

No problem, just giving credit where it's due!
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
Thanks for your entry and good luck!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconbibiter:
bibiter Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
no, sorry, you did not succeed (maybe guys, being dumb have a different opinion), but I had to LOL.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I believe it's different from how I usually write.
Might not be very scary, but it is different.
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"prosetry masked as screams"

So deep. Nicely done.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
One of my favorite lines! :)
Reply
:iconthewritinghand:
TheWritingHand Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow this is deep, your choice of words i thought was excellent. Thank you so much for sharing with me since i myslef am a writer and this was just dep and touching. I wish there was more but then it would probably lose it's dramatic sense of "what's next?"
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've been suffering from a case of writers block and have been working on this piece much longer then I should have. I've edited and deleted a lot this and felt this length fit best. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me! :)
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icondearpoetry: More from DearPoetry


Featured in Collections

Literature by VampireNyan


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
September 23, 2012
File Size
626 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,196 (1 today)
Favourites
84 (who?)
Comments
44
×