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September 23, 2012
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Sutured together by artists,

devoured blasphemy-

hallowed out, & spit back up,


( you are afraid. )


Hooks longing for her ribcage embrace;

god-hands that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her deflowered frame.


( spread your legs. )


Red-inked and trembling,

prosetry masked as screams

knots into her anatomy.


Written for =dreamsinstatic's poetry contest: [link]

Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones

I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?

How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.

featured: [link]
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:icongay-mountain:
Hi, I am here to critique your work on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

I have to be honest that I was glad to find one of your poems in the gallery, because I really enjoy the way you write.
Once again in this poem you show some really strong control over imagery. I particularly liked 'god-hands'; for me that was easily the strongest line in the poem.

I personally felt like the middle stanza suffered somewhat from your decision to use longer lines; though the imagery is very strong, it seems a little overstretched. Try re-reading the poem aloud to see what I mean: you can feel it especially in the final line of the stanza, but it also seems to want for a break (or a breath) after 'god-hands' itself. Possibly look at playing with enjambment to control the poem's pace, though it has the bonus effect of making it appear more interesting on the page, too. I played around with it here:

'Hooks longing for her ribcage

embrace; god-hands

that can't seem to keep to themselves

grapple the gargoyle exterior of her frame.'

(I dropped 'deflowered' from the final line partly because it felt a little elongated and partly because that word just kind of grates on me; it feels a little too "poemy". Obviously it's important to the context of the poem but since you've already described her as "gargoyle"-like - and gargoyles are NEVER thought of as new or pristine - you might be able to get away with it. Similarly I'd maybe reconsider 'carry my seed' in the final line: it feels a little directly sexual, colloquial and maybe even a little cliched when compared to the language in the rest of the poem. Wow, long brackets right here.)

I like the use of brackets to insert not only a distinct voice into the poem, but a bit of context as well. I'd look at pushing this even further though: although the imagery is very interesting, I couldn't help but feel a little...adrift when reading it. It's something I often struggle with in my own poetry, especially if it's a piece I've redrafted several times; you become so confident in what you're conveying that the message can become a little murky to the actual reader. It's not necessarily a bad thing; a little ambiguity in a poem is generally what I find most interesting, but in this piece I think you've given yourself the opportunity to properly contextualise it without compromising the...artistry of the poem.

I hope you found this useful and please do remember a lot of this critique is coloured by personal preference; in no way am I trying to suggest the parts I mentioned are at all bad or wrong. Apologies if it feels like I've only focused on things that could improve, but I consider this to be a very strong poem that really just needs a little tinkering.

- Sam.
What do you think?
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:iconchewyraezen:
chewyraezen Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
well written! shivers!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconjoeybelle18:
JoeyBelle18 Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I like that you shared something put of your comfort zone. It's the pieces that scare us or we're unsure of, that are our best work. Keep it up I enjoy your work. You have a lot great talent :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the kind words!
I see what you mean!
Reply
:iconseraifog:
SeraiFog Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
Damn scary piece! Amazingly written
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconyosop:
YoSop Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh dear, you really got where you wanted to go.:meow:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad.
Reply
:iconyosop:
YoSop Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good.:)
Reply
:iconpencil-wolf:
Pencil-Wolf Sep 24, 2012  Student General Artist
You've achieved what you wanted. I really like the poem, but at the same time, I hate it. Makes me feel uncomfortable and all squirmy.

I've wanted to do something like this for a while. >.<
Reply
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