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Literature Text
Sutured together by artists,
devoured blasphemy-
hallowed out, & spit back up,
( you are afraid. )
Hooks longing for her ribcage embrace;
god-hands that can't seem to keep to themselves
grapple the gargoyle exterior of her deflowered frame.
( spread your legs. )
Red-inked and trembling,
prosetry masked as screams
knots into her anatomy.
Literature
The Flower of Evil
The Flower of Evil:
Evil is but a blooming flower,
Alluring, captivating.
It is born from a humble seed
And grows to corrupt a forest.
To watch its infection spread;
To be a part of its existence...
I can think of no better prospect,
Can you?
Indeed one might baulk at the idea,
Of seeing millions suffer.
To watch worlds scream and writhe;
To see them suffer and die, with living eyes...
Yet there is a mysterious beauty in such devastation,
Fear that shakes me to my very core;
Is transfigured into a twisted pleasure:
As I am frightened, so too am I aroused.
I am addicted to the ephemeral sensation;
To the borderline between rapture and rup
Literature
Remember Your Dues
Remember Your Dues:
You think you can forget it;
As soon as you forget it,
Believe you will regret it,
Relieved of all your credit.
Your honour and your lifestyle,
Curled around my knife while-
You sit and play your games,
Thinking everything's the same.
But I'm watching and I'm waiting;
This patience suffocating,
But it's worth the while I'm waiting
For this hatred I am facing.
You thought it was forever,
And so you did endeavour;
To pretend the chains and ties,
That bind you; they have died.
But the fact is you have lied;
Forgotten where you're tied.
The markings on your side,
Remember why you hide!
But its too late for apologies;
The
Literature
Faith
I love your belief in God.
Not because it matches mine.
Because it makes you even more beautiful to me.
You are the dream I always wanted, but never had.
(God likes to surprise me. Well, consider me surprised.)
It makes me want to sleep every single night by your side.
I want to wrap my prayers around you.
I want to press my lips to the segments of your body.
If you asked, I would rest my head besides yours
and dream your nightmares for you.
(You shudder in your sleep. I don't think you know.)
In faith, I'll be your dreamcatcher.
In dreams, let me wis
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Written for =dreamsinstatic's poetry contest: [link]
Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones
I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?
How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.
featured: [link]
Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones
I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?
How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.
featured: [link]
© 2012 - 2024 DearPoetry
Comments44
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Hi, I am here to critique your work on behalf of
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I have to be honest that I was glad to find one of your poems in the gallery, because I really enjoy the way you write.
Once again in this poem you show some really strong control over imagery. I particularly liked 'god-hands'; for me that was easily the strongest line in the poem.
I personally felt like the middle stanza suffered somewhat from your decision to use longer lines; though the imagery is very strong, it seems a little overstretched. Try re-reading the poem aloud to see what I mean: you can feel it especially in the final line of the stanza, but it also seems to want for a break (or a breath) after 'god-hands' itself. Possibly look at playing with enjambment to control the poem's pace, though it has the bonus effect of making it appear more interesting on the page, too. I played around with it here:
'Hooks longing for her ribcage
embrace; god-hands
that can't seem to keep to themselves
grapple the gargoyle exterior of her frame.'
(I dropped 'deflowered' from the final line partly because it felt a little elongated and partly because that word just kind of grates on me; it feels a little too "poemy". Obviously it's important to the context of the poem but since you've already described her as "gargoyle"-like - and gargoyles are NEVER thought of as new or pristine - you might be able to get away with it. Similarly I'd maybe reconsider 'carry my seed' in the final line: it feels a little directly sexual, colloquial and maybe even a little cliched when compared to the language in the rest of the poem. Wow, long brackets right here.)
I like the use of brackets to insert not only a distinct voice into the poem, but a bit of context as well. I'd look at pushing this even further though: although the imagery is very interesting, I couldn't help but feel a little...adrift when reading it. It's something I often struggle with in my own poetry, especially if it's a piece I've redrafted several times; you become so confident in what you're conveying that the message can become a little murky to the actual reader. It's not necessarily a bad thing; a little ambiguity in a poem is generally what I find most interesting, but in this piece I think you've given yourself the opportunity to properly contextualise it without compromising the...artistry of the poem.
I hope you found this useful and please do remember a lot of this critique is coloured by personal preference; in no way am I trying to suggest the parts I mentioned are at all bad or wrong. Apologies if it feels like I've only focused on things that could improve, but I consider this to be a very strong poem that really just needs a little tinkering.
- Sam.