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December 23, 2012
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I might be dangerously on the verge of being poetic, but-

Sometimes I don't feel me in my own skin.
I am too many breaks between pulses,
& a heart still living in the autumn of 99.

I'm telling stories about a girl.

A soul made of ink & godly metaphors,
too much for a non-homeostatic body.

There were once fireflies in her smile,
alight between the gaps in her teeth.

A rebel,
love letters carved into wrists
she never sent.

Poetry,

She is Porphyria, & you are her lover.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
You have some fantastic imagery in this (for the entire poem I thought you were writing to yourself, until I read the author's comments and noticed the other two letters) and it holds together very well.

"I am too many breaks between pauses"
- I think I get what you are trying to say here, but in my mind a break is a pause so you are repeating yourself. I would phrase it more like "I am too many breaks/pauses between "

I like the continued metaphor about the girl not being healthy physically (non homeostatic, she is porphyria) as well as mentally (carved into wrists).

I think that non homeostatic should be non-homeostatic, a compound word.

"There were once fireflies in her smile,
alight between the gaps in her teeth."

Those have to be my two most favourite lines.

"A rebel,
love letters carved into wrists
she never sent."

Again I know what you mean, but the phrasing of this makes me think that the wrists were never sent, not the letters.

The font for the last line is tiny...maybe one size bigger? even with my glasses on I had to squint to see.

Otherwise I find this highly original (even though you have done other letters) and full of fantastic imagery. Well written.

Jo
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:iconbethrog102:
bethrog102 Mar 31, 2014  New member
'Love letters carved into wrists
She never sent' is such a brilliant line. It speaks volumes
Reply
:iconmonstermanga1022:

Amen to that!

 

I wish with every fiber of my being

Every hour my conscience is awake

That I could be someone else

Somewhere else

And then I know I'm free

From me

And truly know what it means

To be

 

I think I need to stop looking at poetry for the day :) lol

Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No, don't stop! :heart:
Reply
:icondzygirl2:
Hi guys leave your mark on my page btw awesome poetry poems don't need to rhym
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Jun 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No, they don't. :)
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:iconenchantressofnight:
I really like this imagery:

There were once fireflies in her smile,
alight between the gaps in her teeth.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconnostrovia-poetry:
nostrovia-poetry Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You use imagery well. It doesn't drown out the poem's message, but provides enough to conjure emotion from the reader and create nice visuals.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:icondrawalbert:
drawAlbert Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I enjoyed reading this, It's so fluid and I just love how you show yourself in those words. Good work!
Reply
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