Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:icondearpoetry: More from DearPoetry


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 9, 2012
File Size
558 bytes
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,669
Favourites
248 (who?)
Comments
57
Downloads
63
×
Gravity,

Autumn wanted to learn
how to


fall.

So, the galaxy of dead trees
coiling in your lungs
devoured her spine.

Your gifts,
a lifeline wrapped around
her neck like a noose;

an orange and red
assisted suicide.

& you said "God bless your
heart." like some divine
higher power could forgive
her for loving you.

-dp
Winter is oh so cold.

Featured: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwinterkate:
First of all, as always, love your work. Very nice, very elegant, very eloquent especially. And I love that you're delving into new realms of imagery. Autumn isn't something I've seen you explore before, and I think you do it extremely well, and in a very original manner.
I think my only real criticism here would be the line breaks. For example, when you say

Autumn
wanted to
learn how to

fall.

you've got really gorgeous content, but the breaks add in strange pauses. I'd much more suggest something like

Autumn wanted to learn
how to

fall.

It just creates less of a choppy rhythm. Other than that, I really, really enjoyed this piece. It's fabulous. Great job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconsvalaw:
SvalaW Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The title and first stanza are very captivating.
And "galaxy of dead trees" is a fascinating picture.

But somehow the last stanza touches me the most, it's very beautiful, but also makes me a bit sad.
Wonderful poem.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Jun 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
The 'God bless your heart' really affected me personally and I tried to show that hurt in the end.
Reply
:iconangelichope:
"Autumn wanted to learn
how to

fall.

Is my favorite line, but yet I love the whole thing; it's definitely a new take on an Autumn poem; I thought it was beautifully sad and dark!!! Seriously good!!!:D
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I rarely write about the seasons so I figured I might as well try. :)
Reply
:iconangelichope:
Well, I'm so glad you did try!!! It paid off!!!:):):):)
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, this aches. But in a good way. I have really missed seeing such good artistry not being on here so much :,(
Thank you♥
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Where have you been? I've missed you! lol
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, it feels very good to find I was missed♥
I have been trying to juggle three jobs, a husband, and a social life. It wasn't working so my favorite place got pushed out D:
I'm sorry!
Reply
:iconthatfunnierpiece:
ThatFunnierPiece Nov 16, 2012
It reminded me so much of this [link] piece. And your work grasps a similar topic, but from the other side. For me, it's beautifully complementary.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is pretty similar, yeah.
Thanks for pointing it out to me, it's a wonderful piece!
Reply
Add a Comment: