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November 17, 2012
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Sometimes,
she tries to fall into the night,
tipping her strawberry heart
like a tea bag into hot waters-
always scolding herself
kissing ocean beds.
Her hips, tides rolling
towards the antagonists
of myths & legends.


But,
with a thousand leagues
of sea behind her eyes,
she will always save herself.
I wish I could see myself as the heroine of my own narrative.
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:icontbhmb:
TBHMB Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
As much as I love this, I can't help but wonder if you could have meant 'dipping' instead of 'tipping'.
I can see how tipping could go there. I just couldn't help but think dipping could maybe fit too.

I guess it comes down to how you want it to feel. For me, tipping is like we're staying at the edge, never quite submerged. But with dipping, I think, we've completely went under the surface even if it was only for a few seconds.
But... that's just how I feel...
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:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really love the imagery in this poem. I agree that the second stanza seems a little weaker than the first (as another commenter mentioned), but I do like the second stanza and what you tried to accomplish with it.

"Her hips, tides rolling / towards the antagonists / of myths & legends" is interesting because it made me think of sexuality and how intimate an invitation that would be for those antagonists, like she needs a reason to protect herself or something to fight against if she wants to make herself stronger. On a side note I feel like the ampersand looks a little awkward. I'm not in the practice of using it myself unless it's in a title, but that's just my personal opinion.
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:iconbloodawni:
bloodawni Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
There's some really gorgeous imagery in these words, especially the strawberry heart tipping like a tea bag. I really enjoyed reading this one, but I did find a few small things that drew me out of it.

The biggest 'issue' for me was the use of scolding after the hot waters makes me wonder if you really meant "scalding". Both words could be right, depending on what you intended for that section, but because context suggests "scalding" would be more appropriate, "scolding" detracts from the overall power.

In your second stanza, I found the extra line space between each line quite distracting - it felt like each should be its own stanza, but that really interrupts the flow. I'm even wondering whether the piece might be more powerful without the stanza at all - it doesn't have as much 'zing' as the first stanza did and although it does pull the poem further in line with the title, I think the title itself gives the first stanza direction.

Another one, which may just be a personal thing, is the use of the capital 's' in 'She' after 'Sometimes,'.

All that said, I did really enjoy reading this one. Your word choice suggests a good instinct for turning mere words into beauty and power.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for this.

I meant 'scolding', as a play on words, and as a way of saying she asks herself, "Why do I do this every time--there is something wrong with me."

As for the second stanza, I wanted the font smaller, but when using sub text font, it spaces the lines, unfortunately.

I fixed that annoying S, thanks for pointing it out to me. :)
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:iconbloodawni:
bloodawni Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :)

Fair enough re scolding, that makes sense as well, definitely.

How annoying re the subtext font! Could you use the point size to change the font instead, maybe? Just throwing ideas out there - I'm not sure what you can/can't do on DA yet in terms of formatting!

Glad to hear about that S fix. ;) So easy to do, though - I know I've been guilty of it plenty, and not caught it until someone's mentioned it. Funny how something so small can make such a difference.
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:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is lovely, I like the description of her heart very much.
Just wondering, did you mean to write "scalding" instead of "scolding"?
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nope, I meant scolding. :)
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:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, okay then :)
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:iconjessica35:
Yes! So empowering
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