Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:icondearpoetry: More from DearPoetry


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 16, 2012
File Size
857 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
3,166 (2 today)
Favourites
166 (who?)
Comments
98
Downloads
34
×
, and i can't say i'm sorry
because these slender, spider fingers
ache to trace the curved letters of your name tag,
emily.  i notice you write everything in caps.

  ( have i ever told you
how much i enjoy saying your name, -EMILY.
)

you are screaming to the world, quietly.
but we, we are mid-morning whispers
over stale, back room coffee,
silent eyes, and window pane love.
these hearts were runaways once;
hitchhikers on a trail to nowhere.
you shared pieces of yourself with me then,
emily, between beats and bathroom stalls.
you were a gargoyle under the heat
of july summer.  evenings were our playground;
rose garden beasts lingering in feverish night.
Unrequited love and a closet case, perfect.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconglossolalias:
I would like to begin by saying I have seen you on the front page several times now, and usually, your writing is pretty but lacks the genuine emotion I like to see in poetry. This piece is a standout in that it was incredibly heartfelt and sincere. Each word was so packed with meaning, and I could feel your ache. On that level, you succeeded enormously.



That being said, I have a few nitpicks:

"...these slender, spider fingers..."
---
I would suggest omitting the comma there. It would greatly assist your cadence; otherwise, this line breaks the flow.

"...but we, we are mid-morning whispers..."
---
I'd suggest changing that "but" to an "and." not only to avoid its proximity to the other "but" a few lines down but because it doesn't contradict the previous statement; if anything, it adds to it.

"...silent eyes, and window pane love."
---
I would suggest omitting the first comma and changing the period to a comma- not only to assist flow, but to clarify your meaning because this adds to the whole statement being made by the proceeding lines.

"...hitch-hikers..."
---
*hitchhikers



Otherwise, this was a very stylistically sound and beautiful poem. Your imagery was gorgeous, though I must admit the ending didn't have the impact I would have liked from something so poignant. It feels unfinished and perhaps that was intentional. These trysts are often left unfinished, and I sense a lack of reconciliation.

I would also like to comment on your use of periods: mostly, they were well applied, but you used them so often it gave this sort of stutterstop rhythm that wasn't unpleasant but wasn't the best, especially because your words were so melodious. Perhaps some cutting back is in order? There are several that would be replaced by dashes or semicolons or just omitted entirely, but I'd also say that's a matter of personal taste and is at your discretion.

Overall, gorgeous poem. I really enjoyed it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
14 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbeautyunmasked:
This is the first critique I've ever written, so please bear with!

I'm going to start by saying that I do love the poem. It's very emotional and descriptive; some serious thought went into this.
I love the imagery, I really do, the way you portray it in a snapshot sort of way.
However, I'm not terribly fond of the lack of capitalization. I understand that this was the way it was meant to be structured, but I find the lack of capitalization distracting and it takes away from the poem a bit.
That's all I wanted to say! Keep up the good work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icononeofakindwriter:
oneofakindwriter Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i have a few comments..
1)why does emily have a name tag?
2)where she go?
3)this poem drew me in from the very start i enjoyed it very much
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
1. Because these two work together.
2. Everywhere. She has a wanderers heart.


:)
Reply
:icon752364:
752364 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holy SHIT I identify with this. Though in the way of your Emily...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah?
Reply
:icon752364:
752364 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You have a way with words; wielding them like sword and shield under attack, using them as blankets on cold nights, drinking them as tonics. I envy you your skill.
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely lovely. <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconkartiksharma:
kartiksharma Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Amazingly done! :D
Good work! ♥

Have a look: [link]
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I know how this feels. :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: