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Literature by 1nkl1ng


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July 16, 2012
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, and i can't say i'm sorry
because these slender, spider fingers
ache to trace the curved letters of your name tag,
emily.  i notice you write everything in caps.

  ( have i ever told you
how much i enjoy saying your name, -EMILY.
)

you are screaming to the world, quietly.
but we, we are mid-morning whispers
over stale, back room coffee,
silent eyes, and window pane love.
these hearts were runaways once;
hitchhikers on a trail to nowhere.
you shared pieces of yourself with me then,
emily, between beats and bathroom stalls.
you were a gargoyle under the heat
of july summer.  evenings were our playground;
rose garden beasts lingering in feverish night.
Unrequited love and a closet case, perfect.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconglossolalias:
I would like to begin by saying I have seen you on the front page several times now, and usually, your writing is pretty but lacks the genuine emotion I like to see in poetry. This piece is a standout in that it was incredibly heartfelt and sincere. Each word was so packed with meaning, and I could feel your ache. On that level, you succeeded enormously.



That being said, I have a few nitpicks:

"...these slender, spider fingers..."
---
I would suggest omitting the comma there. It would greatly assist your cadence; otherwise, this line breaks the flow.

"...but we, we are mid-morning whispers..."
---
I'd suggest changing that "but" to an "and." not only to avoid its proximity to the other "but" a few lines down but because it doesn't contradict the previous statement; if anything, it adds to it.

"...silent eyes, and window pane love."
---
I would suggest omitting the first comma and changing the period to a comma- not only to assist flow, but to clarify your meaning because this adds to the whole statement being made by the proceeding lines.

"...hitch-hikers..."
---
*hitchhikers



Otherwise, this was a very stylistically sound and beautiful poem. Your imagery was gorgeous, though I must admit the ending didn't have the impact I would have liked from something so poignant. It feels unfinished and perhaps that was intentional. These trysts are often left unfinished, and I sense a lack of reconciliation.

I would also like to comment on your use of periods: mostly, they were well applied, but you used them so often it gave this sort of stutterstop rhythm that wasn't unpleasant but wasn't the best, especially because your words were so melodious. Perhaps some cutting back is in order? There are several that would be replaced by dashes or semicolons or just omitted entirely, but I'd also say that's a matter of personal taste and is at your discretion.

Overall, gorgeous poem. I really enjoyed it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
14 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbeautyunmasked:
This is the first critique I've ever written, so please bear with!

I'm going to start by saying that I do love the poem. It's very emotional and descriptive; some serious thought went into this.
I love the imagery, I really do, the way you portray it in a snapshot sort of way.
However, I'm not terribly fond of the lack of capitalization. I understand that this was the way it was meant to be structured, but I find the lack of capitalization distracting and it takes away from the poem a bit.
That's all I wanted to say! Keep up the good work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icononeofakindwriter:
oneofakindwriter Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i have a few comments..
1)why does emily have a name tag?
2)where she go?
3)this poem drew me in from the very start i enjoyed it very much
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
1. Because these two work together.
2. Everywhere. She has a wanderers heart.


:)
Reply
:icon752364:
752364 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holy SHIT I identify with this. Though in the way of your Emily...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah?
Reply
:icon752364:
752364 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You have a way with words; wielding them like sword and shield under attack, using them as blankets on cold nights, drinking them as tonics. I envy you your skill.
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely lovely. <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconkartiksharma:
kartiksharma Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Amazingly done! :D
Good work! ♥

Have a look: [link]
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I know how this feels. :heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconxxcrazyapplegirlxx:
XxCrazyAppleGirlxX Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Student
beauriful.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconxmothermoonx:
xMotherMoonx Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is a very wonderful piece of poetry. Many can relate to this piece, which makes it that more emotional.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I try to write poetry others can relate to. :D Glad you like it.
Reply
:iconxmothermoonx:
xMotherMoonx Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
=)
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
absolutely gorgeous. breathtaking. i love the imagery and the syntax.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you much, doll. :heart:
Reply
:iconheart809:
heart809 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
Thing I like best about this - it's in all lowercase when "Emily" always uses uppercase accrding to the poem. The imagery's beautiful, too.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks~! I was wondering if anyone would catch on that added effect. :)
Reply
:iconheart809:
heart809 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
Glad I did - I've only recently come across your work, but it's really excellent. Gave me faith in poetry again.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow--I'm glad.
You might want to check my favorites then, because you can find plenty of amazing poets there! :heart:
Reply
:iconsnowjoe72:
snowjoe72 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012
Poetry is always a very good way to vent your feeling about most things if that is the purpose. I may have no experience with love, but I definitely use my poetry for making my depressed moods work in a constructive way. Taking a bad experience and turning it into a work of art always helps me stay in control.

Put simply, my flaws are what give me my talent. This poem is a wonderful expression of emotion put in a weay that anyone can easily understand. Great job!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do that with all my work. Writing is my outlet.
( not to advertise or anything, but I pretty much vent and explain my reasons for writing here-> [link]
Reply
:iconsnowjoe72:
snowjoe72 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
I left a comment that should be sufficient to express my opinions.
Reply
:iconevelyntaliette:
EvelynTaliette Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Student Writer
Poetry is all about feeling, and you definetly captured feeling in this. We all can relate, and everyone definetly felt this to the bone. Well done
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad people were moved by. :heart:
I don't believe a poem is really a poem until someone is moved by it.
Reply
:icondaisylover87:
DaisyLover87 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012
Beautiful. Romantic. So sad, too...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
And believe me, I know.
Reply
:icondaisylover87:
DaisyLover87 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012
You're welcome. I have no doubt. It's rather evident...sorry to hear you know what this feels like. *hugs*
Reply
:iconcalin-4:
Calin-4 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is beautiful
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :D
Reply
:iconcalin-4:
Calin-4 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are most welcome
Reply
:iconemilyericson:
emilyericson Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like this. Also, my name is Emily. That kind of made me like it even more.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, that's cool! :D
I get a little excite when I see my own name in lit as well.
Reply
:iconillfatedsoul:
IllFatedSoul Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Student General Artist
passionate :3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:icononioftheshade:
OniOfTheShade Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012   General Artist
I've fallen for two Emilys before.. i love the wording u used here!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:icononioftheshade:
OniOfTheShade Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012   General Artist
;D
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
aww its sweet
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks hon. :)
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
no problem. do you read books? I read a book called Hex Hall and you remind me of a character in it. I hope you think so too - From Kinichi
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think I've heard of the book, but never read it.
Is it good? And how does this character remind you of me? lol
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
just personality. oh and taste in lovers if you undestand me. but yeah it's good, I've read that one and the sequel, I hope you enjoy it if you decide to read it.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I get what you're saying.
I'll look into it the next time I go to the bookstore. :)
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
i get mine online, I'm in a wheelchair so I dont get out much .
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. :(
I use amazon a lot for my art stuff, or when I can find books for cheap.
We don't have a craft store anywhere around here. lol
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012
beautiful
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
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