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DearPoetry by FoxofEbony

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Submitted on
January 15, 2013
File Size
705 bytes


238 (who?)
This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.


pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.

You whispered breathe me
in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.

She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-

Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
You were nothing, now you're the reason I breathe.

Wish I'd realized it sooner.

Ask me things: [link]
Tumblr: [link]
Fb Fanpage: [link]
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Critique by TheLunarDragon Jan 15, 2013, 4:45:40 PM
Vision: I like where you went with this, a very profound and slightly taboo subject matter makes this an interesting piece. That being said, five stars for vision!

Originality: Vision and originality tend to go hand in hand. Since you managed to touch base with an underused subject, I will appoint five stars to this section of the critique as well.

Technique: This seems to be a poem that would look much better having been written with ink on paper. What I mean, the random changes is text size, is a bit uncalled for and kind of messes up the flow of the poem, which would be otherwise great. You should also proofread, there are a few spelling errors that are bugging me a bit (I am kind of O.C.D when it comes to spelling.) For technique three and a half stars.

Impact: Now we are back up to five stars again. I cannot speak for others, but your choice of words drew a very vivid picture in my mind. I ALWAYS commend those who can make me visualize a poem. It shows the writers talent.

All in all, beyond some spelling issues and awkward poem layout. This was a fantastic peace. Keep up the great work!
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kirtonat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
The last line really got me.
I've gone through a couple of your pieces now and I love every one of them. The images in your poetry light a fire in my heart.
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Glad you enjoy my work.
tinaaw Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Stunning absolutely stunning work.
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
chancerox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Carbon dioxide suicide. :heart:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Shadow-Doomed Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing. Incredibly amazing.
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
DanceInInfinity Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful. I especially love the last lines.

(You're a great poet).
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! : heart:
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