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This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.

Nothing,

pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.

You whispered breathe me
lovely
in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.

She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-

Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
           free.
You were nothing, now you're the reason I breathe.

Wish I'd realized it sooner.

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:iconthelunardragon:
Critique by TheLunarDragon Jan 15, 2013, 4:45:40 PM
Vision: I like where you went with this, a very profound and slightly taboo subject matter makes this an interesting piece. That being said, five stars for vision!

Originality: Vision and originality tend to go hand in hand. Since you managed to touch base with an underused subject, I will appoint five stars to this section of the critique as well.

Technique: This seems to be a poem that would look much better having been written with ink on paper. What I mean, the random changes is text size, is a bit uncalled for and kind of messes up the flow of the poem, which would be otherwise great. You should also proofread, there are a few spelling errors that are bugging me a bit (I am kind of O.C.D when it comes to spelling.) For technique three and a half stars.

Impact: Now we are back up to five stars again. I cannot speak for others, but your choice of words drew a very vivid picture in my mind. I ALWAYS commend those who can make me visualize a poem. It shows the writers talent.

All in all, beyond some spelling issues and awkward poem layout. This was a fantastic peace. Keep up the great work!
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:iconkirtonat:
kirtonat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
The last line really got me.
Wow.
I've gone through a couple of your pieces now and I love every one of them. The images in your poetry light a fire in my heart.
Brilliant.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Glad you enjoy my work.
Reply
:icontinaaw:
tinaaw Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Stunning absolutely stunning work.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Carbon dioxide suicide. :heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconshadow-doomed:
Shadow-Doomed Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing. Incredibly amazing.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:icondanceininfinity:
DanceInInfinity Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful. I especially love the last lines.

(You're a great poet).
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! : heart:
Reply
:iconrai-rai-raygun:
rai-rai-raygun Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
It's a lovely poem, and I agree with the above critique - it would look better on paper.
Perhaps the small text needs to be together on one line? I think it would be less jarring then.

Your writing is very interesting, though. I'm enjoying reading new things from you. :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am actually thinking about handwriting it. :)
As for the subtext, I was trying to make it look like a whisper, and I guess it didn't work.
I'll have to revise it later. :)
Reply
:iconrai-rai-raygun:
rai-rai-raygun Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013
Not the small text at the bottom, mind you. I like the way that is.
Just the one in the middle of the verse.
Reply
:icon7ylercc94:
7ylercC94 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student General Artist
this is really good, it reminds me of charles baudelaire...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Really?
Reply
:icon7ylercc94:
7ylercC94 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Student General Artist
not style wise but more how you work in darker overtones while still keeping people focused on the main subject matter...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I suppose I can see that. :)
Reply
:iconclockworkwhite:
ClockworkWhite Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm kicking myself for not discovering your work sooner. It's outstanding. =]
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
But, you've found me now.
All is well. lol
Reply
:iconsarvstergal:
Sarvstergal Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I an having a hard time thinking of what to comment because I just love your work so much. I love it every time you show up in my DeviantWatch.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow! This brings a huge smile to my face! C:
Reply
:iconsuperherosockmonkey:
SuperHeroSockMonkey Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist
I think this is a poetic and artistic view on addiction to smoking.
However, it can be anything else, really.
Great work with this poem, I like it :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I was thinking that too!
But yes, it can be looked at many different ways! :)
Reply
:iconjnthnbrwnly:
Jnthnbrwnly Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconmangosquirrel:
mangosquirrel Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
daisy veins

gorgeous gorgeous.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconmortrite:
mortrite Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist
Yet another wonderful poem! I wish I could write as well as you do.


Also, I'm assuming you meant "breathe me" and not "breath me".
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, I just happened to spot my mistake, thank you for pointing it out!
Reply
:iconpearlscat:
PearlsCat Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"carbon dioxide suicide"

Loved that part. Your poetry is always incredibly smooth, and I love it. Great work, as always.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I always fear that it's not--so thank you for making me feel better!
Reply
:iconsouofanangel:
SouOfAnAngel Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Student Interface Designer
Wow :0
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ouch. Like a knife in the heart.

Still absolutely gorgeous, however.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
I was trying get a bit deeper with my work, as it's usually so flowery it seems.
Reply
:iconhellobeverly:
HelloBeverly Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
This is so wonderful :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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