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DearPoetry by FoxofEbony


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Submitted on
January 15, 2013
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This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.

Nothing,

pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.

You whispered breathe me
lovely
in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.

She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-

Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
           free.
You were nothing, now you're the reason I breathe.

Wish I'd realized it sooner.

Ask me things: [link]
Tumblr: [link]
Fb Fanpage: [link]
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:iconthelunardragon:
Critique by TheLunarDragon Jan 15, 2013, 4:45:40 PM
Vision: I like where you went with this, a very profound and slightly taboo subject matter makes this an interesting piece. That being said, five stars for vision!

Originality: Vision and originality tend to go hand in hand. Since you managed to touch base with an underused subject, I will appoint five stars to this section of the critique as well.

Technique: This seems to be a poem that would look much better having been written with ink on paper. What I mean, the random changes is text size, is a bit uncalled for and kind of messes up the flow of the poem, which would be otherwise great. You should also proofread, there are a few spelling errors that are bugging me a bit (I am kind of O.C.D when it comes to spelling.) For technique three and a half stars.

Impact: Now we are back up to five stars again. I cannot speak for others, but your choice of words drew a very vivid picture in my mind. I ALWAYS commend those who can make me visualize a poem. It shows the writers talent.

All in all, beyond some spelling issues and awkward poem layout. This was a fantastic peace. Keep up the great work!
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:iconkirtonat:
kirtonat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
The last line really got me.
Wow.
I've gone through a couple of your pieces now and I love every one of them. The images in your poetry light a fire in my heart.
Brilliant.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Glad you enjoy my work.
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:icontinaaw:
tinaaw Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Stunning absolutely stunning work.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Carbon dioxide suicide. :heart:
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconshadow-doomed:
Shadow-Doomed Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing. Incredibly amazing.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:icondanceininfinity:
DanceInInfinity Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful. I especially love the last lines.

(You're a great poet).
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! : heart:
Reply
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