literature

I think you left a piece of you in me.

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DearPoetry's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.

Nothing,

pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.

You whispered breathe me
lovely
in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.

She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-

Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
           free.
You were nothing, now you're the reason I breathe.

Wish I'd realized it sooner.

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Comments44
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TheLunarDragon's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Vision: I like where you went with this, a very profound and slightly taboo subject matter makes this an interesting piece. That being said, five stars for vision!

Originality: Vision and originality tend to go hand in hand. Since you managed to touch base with an underused subject, I will appoint five stars to this section of the critique as well.

Technique: This seems to be a poem that would look much better having been written with ink on paper. What I mean, the random changes is text size, is a bit uncalled for and kind of messes up the flow of the poem, which would be otherwise great. You should also proofread, there are a few spelling errors that are bugging me a bit (I am kind of O.C.D when it comes to spelling.) For technique three and a half stars.

Impact: Now we are back up to five stars again. I cannot speak for others, but your choice of words drew a very vivid picture in my mind. I ALWAYS commend those who can make me visualize a poem. It shows the writers talent.

All in all, beyond some spelling issues and awkward poem layout. This was a fantastic peace. Keep up the great work!