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Literature Text
This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.
Nothing,
pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.
You whispered breathe me
lovely in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.
She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-
Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
free.
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.
Nothing,
pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.
You whispered breathe me
lovely in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.
She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-
Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
free.
Literature
R.I.P Words
Do you know what it feels like?
To feel something, but...
be unable to express what it is;
to be silent;
to fight it alone.
I know how much it hurts,
but I don't know how to show it.
Poetry used to be my refuge,
a place where I could be alone -
express all my emotions,
without being judged.
I'm losing it.
I can't connect to poetry.
Everything sounds so stupid...
Everything I write sounds stupid.
I have to erase all my feelings,
because they don't sound right.
The words aren't real.
They don't show what I feel
And maybe this will be the last.
Maybe I'm gone:
lost of all emotions.
I'm truly alone...
I used to have poetry.
Now I have not
Literature
She always fell for boys who needed saving.
She always fell for boys who needed saving.
Giving them kisses in the dark
to numb their headache from
drinking too much and yet
not enough to kill lust.
She was always adored by boys, who,
if given the chance, would rebuild
the world for her.
But she wanted to be the heroine
and refused to see
she needed saving, too.
Literature
I've Changed (Yeah right)
I've Changed (Yeah right):
You know, I tell myself everday,
That I'm going to change - that I'll be different.
'This isn't the same; I'm not the same,' that's what I tell myself...
As I sit in front of the computer, praying time doesn't move.
Coward, you're weak and you'll always be weak! You bloody disgrace...
I pick up some new magazine, get inspired,
'I want to be like that guy,' is what I think to myself.
I give it a try for two or three days - I quit.
Same old shit again...
Making up excuses? It's what you always do, you gutless wonder...
I try to reach out with my hands,
Seeking something, anything that I can find to help myself ho
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Comments44
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Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Vision: I like where you went with this, a very profound and slightly taboo subject matter makes this an interesting piece. That being said, five stars for vision!
Originality: Vision and originality tend to go hand in hand. Since you managed to touch base with an underused subject, I will appoint five stars to this section of the critique as well.
Technique: This seems to be a poem that would look much better having been written with ink on paper. What I mean, the random changes is text size, is a bit uncalled for and kind of messes up the flow of the poem, which would be otherwise great. You should also proofread, there are a few spelling errors that are bugging me a bit (I am kind of O.C.D when it comes to spelling.) For technique three and a half stars.
Impact: Now we are back up to five stars again. I cannot speak for others, but your choice of words drew a very vivid picture in my mind. I ALWAYS commend those who can make me visualize a poem. It shows the writers talent.
All in all, beyond some spelling issues and awkward poem layout. This was a fantastic peace. Keep up the great work!