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& I have forgotten
how to write in poetics-
tongue kissed & gaping like
a siren missing from her sea.

I have been coughing up black
for days.  Unable to clean the taste
from my mouth, these broken
typewriter keys sewn into my
fingertips scream something fierce.

They ache with longing
to tell of a story

  • that left them
    for a better high
    years ago

  • a story that never deserved
    to make a home under the skin,
    to crawl breech through an
    unsuspecting womb.

  • -& out through the wrists
    of young girls much too ripe
    to fall from their beds.


I am so damn tired
of looking over railings
& wondering what
it would feel like
to fall.
I stared over a railing this morning
until everything but the ground
was one big blur and my head
started spinning.
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:iconmidsummerwolfmoon:
How to critique an expression of someone's thoughts and feelings? I'm trying to find something constructive I can say, but instead can only think of positives.
Your use of imagery is splendid, creating a sense of whimsicality and yet brutal honesty.
The mood and tone of this poem is one many people can relate to.
The final stanza leaves an echoing, a feeling of stepping off the brink and into the abyss, and that's achieved through the "would feel like // to fall" - the intake of breath before the word fall. Or at least that's how I read it.
Your poetry, and this one is no exception, always has a very easy flow to it, it's pleasant to read.
So yeah, really well done, and I wish I could come up with something more constructive for you <3
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconlupus-astra:
I am finally doing a critique on one of your pieces. This is my second critique so it may not be very good, but here I go.

As always, your usage of language is impeccable. You manage to turn simple every day words into a beautiful miasma of imagery and emotions. The brutal pain of this piece shines through very clearly, especially in the stanzas of:

"a story that never deserved
to make a home under the skin,
to crawl breech through an
unsuspecting womb."

"I am so damn tired
of looking over railings
& wondering what
it would feel like
to fall."

Personally I feel like those make the poem, because they're so sharp and vivid.

I love the layout of this one. The bulleted stanzas really stand out and compliment the flow of everything. However, for this one, I think that using an ampersand halted that flow and made it seem a bit too mechanical - just using the word "and" would look better, in my opinion. :)

As with almost every piece of yours, this one leaves me with this empty feeling in my heart and frankly, it's a good empty feeling. Your words just never fail to create an impact on the reader.

I still can't fathom how you manage to take so many different words and turn them into something that just connects altogether so wonderfully.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
19 out of 19 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconblackgoddess13:
BlackGoddess13 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013
This is quite accurate to how I feel sometimes. I feel as I get older, I'm becoming more caught up in the real world, and I can't see the words like I used to. It's a horrible thing to feel like you're losing your passion for creativity; I keep telling myself it's good, because with all the facts I'm learning, I'll be able to move forward in life, but honestly, it feels empty without my writing. Lately I've been working harder at connecting with things like nature and stuff, things I've always enjoyed, and I'm starting to get some of it back, but it's slow going.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Creativity keeps us all happy.  Creativity is passion.  It's why we live and breath.
All those other things, they don't matter as much!
Reply
:iconblackgoddess13:
BlackGoddess13 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014
I actually wrote my own poem on this topic a few weeks ago. Plus I'm going to write a paper on why we need creativity in schools for an assignment. (Total irony right there :D). It really feels as though we aren't getting enough creativity; and your right, is is why we live and breathe. I couldn't live without creativity.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
They are trying to get rid of the entire art program at my old high school. Like my teacher is recieving no funding from the school and the students put together fundraisers to buy art supplies. I used to practically live in that art room. And it hurts to think its being bullied out.
Reply
:iconblackgoddess13:
BlackGoddess13 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2014
I really want to talk about how lack of creative teaching actually enhances risk of learning disorders like ADHD. I see it all the time.
Wow, good luck to you. We had that problem with our drama class; I would hate to see it happen again.
Reply
:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This gorgeous work was featured here: untamedunwanted.deviantart.com…
Reply
:iconmatthewvandusen:
MatthewVanDusen Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
very good
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Iloveyoutoo!
Reply
:icondorroaker:
dorroaker Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Student General Artist
very warm and its not nice to want to fall, it hurts
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
every time i see a piece from you in my inbox i smile! :) this is absolutely stunning - i reread it like 3 times. 
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awww, thank you! :)
Reply
:iconbubblyscfi:
bubblyscfi Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013

This is wonderful,


I am so damn tired of looking over railings & wondering what it would feel like to fall


my favorite part, love it!

Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank so much!
Reply
:iconlmonlimecat:
LmonLimeCat Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
Your poems only seem to get better and better. ;)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! ^^
Reply
:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love this!
 
  • "-& out through the wrists
    of young girls much too ripe
    to fall from their beds. " That was my favorite part.:)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconfluffy333:
fluffy333 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome.:)
Reply
:iconwritermind:
Writermind Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well written!

Good stuff.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much!
Reply
:iconsilhouette33insanity:
Nine in the afternoon is a song by Panic! at the Disco :)

I am so damn tired
of looking over railings
& wondering what
it would feel like
to fall.

This stanza is perfect.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know it is. C;
Reply
:iconsilhouette33insanity:
YAY!
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
This is wonderful, from the first to the last letter.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconjordie0710:
Jordie0710 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
A rather vocal,thoughtful poem you written here.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconjordie0710:
Jordie0710 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
You're welcome.

Reply
:iconnicollettenikkiace:
NicolletteNikkiAce Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
This was very vocal, visual and lovely with a thoughtfulness. 
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! C:
Reply
:iconnicollettenikkiace:
NicolletteNikkiAce Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013
No worries this was brilliance!~ 
Reply
:iconsanddune798:
Sanddune798 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Your poetry is a strange beast. It comes, tearing through my thoughts and stirring up emotions, leaving a strangled, half-forgotten yell in its wake.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm, interesting. Dig your imagery. C:
Reply
:iconsanddune798:
Sanddune798 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Haha, thanks. It comes in bursts.
Reply
:iconrewrote:
Rewrote Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oohhh this one. The last stanza especially. 

You write like a queen~
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! C:
Reply
:iconbunnehs111:
BUNNEHS111 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Mind. Y u no write poems like this?!
At the very least you have written many beautiful poems. I can't even write one. Besides, everyone knows how this feels, so it's good you could write something so pretty :)
Reply
:icontarosmyr:
TarosMyr Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013   Writer
:rose:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
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