literature

It is 9 in the afternoon

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DearPoetry's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

& I have forgotten
how to write in poetics-
tongue kissed & gaping like
a siren missing from her sea.

I have been coughing up black
for days.  Unable to clean the taste
from my mouth, these broken
typewriter keys sewn into my
fingertips scream something fierce.

They ache with longing
to tell of a story

  • that left them
    for a better high
    years ago

  • a story that never deserved
    to make a home under the skin,
    to crawl breech through an
    unsuspecting womb.

  • -& out through the wrists
    of young girls much too ripe
    to fall from their beds.


I am so damn tired
of looking over railings
& wondering what
it would feel like
to fall.
I stared over a railing this morning
until everything but the ground
was one big blur and my head
started spinning.
Comments44
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lupus-astra's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I am finally doing a critique on one of your pieces. This is my second critique so it may not be very good, but here I go.

As always, your usage of language is impeccable. You manage to turn simple every day words into a beautiful miasma of imagery and emotions. The brutal pain of this piece shines through very clearly, especially in the stanzas of:

"a story that never deserved
to make a home under the skin,
to crawl breech through an
unsuspecting womb."

"I am so damn tired
of looking over railings
& wondering what
it would feel like
to fall."

Personally I feel like those make the poem, because they're so sharp and vivid.

I love the layout of this one. The bulleted stanzas really stand out and compliment the flow of everything. However, for this one, I think that using an ampersand halted that flow and made it seem a bit too mechanical - just using the word "and" would look better, in my opinion. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>

As with almost every piece of yours, this one leaves me with this empty feeling in my heart and frankly, it's a good empty feeling. Your words just never fail to create an impact on the reader.

I still can't fathom how you manage to take so many different words and turn them into something that just connects altogether so wonderfully.