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We spent our nights star gazing
on the top of that local bar on 5th street.
You said you loved me by night,
that no star or moon in any given universe
could compare to me; that we were lost warriors
searching for a home within the roots of one another.

I believed myself a wandering ghost among the living,
searching for missing bones and the warmth of another's grave.

You shook me then,
kissing me where it hurt most-
just to test a theory.
You whispered,

"Like dead birds,
you are not faceless;
your rib cage has a meaning."


And I believed I loved you then
underneath the moon and stars
tipsy on your smile and your words
and your warmth.
Your hands must be the thieves
who stole these thin bones of mine-
because, I never wanted you more.
This just slipped out of my brain the moment I woke up this morning, so here--have some romantic feel goods!
Add a Comment:
 
:icontwilights-rest:
Beautifully worded. The line "I believed... of anothers grave." Spoke heavily and was very moving. You communicate feeling well, and make the piece speak in haunting metaphor. My advice to you is to just refine flow in spacing and line breaks a bit more with the way the words fall off the tongue/page when being read silently or aloud. Just to keep the reader/audience with you through the whole thing. I like the separation and font change as well, for the quote it really made it emphatic, and the quote itself spoke in the subverted way that the rest of the piece does. Lacing such strong emotions through metaphor, and indirect approach to the subject we see the sides of this love. And it is beautiful.

Needless to say, I love the piece and your use of words is masterful. Great job, and I look forward to seeing more from you.

Naxos Delver
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
11 out of 12 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshannon-sweeney:
First of all I would like to tell you how much I enjoyed this piece. I thought is flowed beautifully and the image of two lost souls together under the stars made for a lovely scene.
I thought the whole piece was beautiful.

So I suppose there were just a couple of small things that accured to me when I read it.

In the 2nd stanza:
You wrote
"of an others grave."
I would have have wrote
"of another's grave."
It just seemed gramatically better in my head.

In the 4th stanza (Italics):
You started the last line with a capital letter but did not end the previous line with a full stop.
I would have or else used a semi colon.

In the 5th stanza:
You wrote:
"tipsy on your smile and your words
and your warmth."
I would have wrote:
"tipsy on your smile, your words,
your warmth."

Thats it really and this is just my opinion so I hope you will take it as that.
As I said a truely lovely piece and well done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 12 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconlevonanthony:
LevonAnthony Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really have to stress to you how amazingly written this is. You managed very well the task of mixing dark undertones with pure romanticism. I really enjoyed that. It's always refreshing to see an artist so widely adaptable to their medium and you are just that.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I've had a lot of time to practice.
I'm still practicing, honestly. :)
Reply
:iconlevonanthony:
LevonAnthony Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
In a way, you're always practicing. Always improving. That's my philosophy anyways.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I agree!
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Student Writer
I wish poetry like this would "just slip out" of my brain in the mornings!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It doesn't do it very often. lol
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Student Writer
Look at this! I already commented on this piece, but it showed up in my inbox again in my daily culling. Oh well, I still mean it!
Reply
:iconlacici:
LaCiCi Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Beautiful! Ah, you submitted this on my birthday <33 Cool. This has such a good feel and mood set to it :3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, happy late birthday! And thank you, this is by far my favorite piece. :)
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"You said you loved me by night,
that no star or moon in any given universe
could compare to me; that we were lost warriors
searching for a home within the roots of one another."

and then

"And I believed I loved you then
underneath the moon and stars
tipsy on your smile and your words
and your warmth."

so beautiful. <3 <3 <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is one of my personal favorites.
It's like--I can't believe I wrote this.
You know what I am saying? :)
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i understand completely. <3
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I just got a massive impact about how you set the scene here.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What do you mean?
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really liked the way you set the scene. It was just an intense description to me ^^;
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yeah, thank you. :)
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries :)
Reply
:iconchristawashere:
Christawashere Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Student General Artist
Romantic feel goods, lol. Nice. :clap:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, yeah. :D Thank you.
Reply
:iconchristawashere:
Christawashere Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Student General Artist
No problem.
Reply
:iconmichi-iyo:
michi-iyo Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012
this is great.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love deviantArt poetry so much and you're a big reason why. You display everything I come here for. I'm always surprised when I read these, it makes my heart skip and think wow, this is where all the beauty went ♥
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know if you know of any of these deviants:
:iconthelunalily: :iconclearsound: :iconkthecard: :iconpailei:
are all huge inspirations to me. And if you like my word, you will love theirs! :D
Reply
:iconbreezybrutality:
breezybrutality Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Checking them out noooow :D
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconhippiehebe:
HippieHebe Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is so beautiful
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconbatphace:
BatPhace Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful. That's it. Just beautiful. Lovely phrasing, great structure. Beautiful :D
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Student Writer
Personal and touching! Felt like I was really there.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconmadwarf:
madwarf Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
ii think speechless is the best i can manage today wow!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, that is always a compliment. :)
Reply
:iconautumn-spirit:
autumn-spirit Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
""Like dead birds,
you are not faceless
Your rib cage has a meaning."

such poetic brilliance! I love this line as well:

"tipsy on your smile and your words"
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, that was my favorite part of the whole piece. :)
Reply
:iconautumn-spirit:
autumn-spirit Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
you're very talented :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconautumn-spirit:
autumn-spirit Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
no problem.
Reply
:icongalabrotix:
galabrotix Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
I don't even know what to say to this beside it is incredibly powerful and very well written.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:icongalabrotix:
galabrotix Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
Your welcome, it was a pleasure to read.
Reply
:iconglobomon:
globomon Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Student
this is beautiful!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
its so sweet kayls, you're an amazing writer, you shoulkd publish these poems in a book, millions would buy it
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am working on publishing a book! :)
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
omg same!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Really? :)
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
yesh, want a sample???
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah sure, send me a note. :)
Reply
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