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Submitted on
April 9, 2013
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1,736 (2 today)
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
I was told
to slice through the thickest
of scar tissue this evening.

Let all my inner demons
fall to the floor
& write them out
in my own black blood.

It’s not red anymore,
even though needles
& the bruises
laid out like war-lands
on my arms
say otherwise.
I don’t think it ever was,

they said.

My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-

I still don’t have the nerve
to slice open my skin
& bleed for her.
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*Firstly, let me say that this is my first critique I have formally written and I aim to give this piece the 'poetic justice' (ha) it deserves. I'll attempt to not bore you senseless with my analysis as well, I often find critiques bludgeon all the fun out of a piece*

It begins powerfully- your intentional use of enjambment forces even the most ADD of readers to move their eyes to the next line and be drawn into the poem. The sibilance of the words such as 'was' 'slice' 'scar' 'tissue' works together with the imagery to set the tone of the poem immediately, this tone being one of a melancholy, abysmal feel.

Your second stanza makes wonderful use of metaphor, the first two lines in particular provide interesting images, however I'm afraid to say that 'black blood' is a tad familiar as far as metaphors about writing your raw emotion go. I'm not saying it's a cardinal sin, just that I went 'meh' a little bit on the inside. Enjambment is also used but it has lost impact because it cuts the lines within their natural rhythms.

It begins to slide into almost an apologetic explanation about the second stanza within the third, and your images become slightly weaker, falling on similes to help that ADD reader comprehend what exactly it is they're seeing. That being said, "& the bruises/ laid out like war-lands/ on my arms" is a delicious simile and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. The enjambment is more carefully placed in this stanza and has regained impact with use of punctuation.

There is a little fill that was nice. Massaging the theme into our head and creating interest with the use of 'they'; directing the blame to a third party about your own emotional writing is a fresh concept.

And it is at this point you decide to drop the bomb- I might have swooned. This fifth stanza is something that could have been written by Ginsberg or Hunter S. Thompson if he'd ever decided to dabble in poetry.

My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-

I want to leave this un-analysed. Like when you see a magician, their tricks become dull if their secrets are revealed.

The poem ends with a finality that tells me you've said everything you've wanted to say, and the final use of enjambment gives a roundness to the piece- you began with it as well. The images are really nice, and they address the question you raised "To what extent do I take my writing?"

In essence, this piece is way above par; you have withstood my analysis to the 99th degree and you have managed to enthral me. There are some blemishes behind the ears on this otherwise perfect face of a poem; but I don't want you to take it too harshly. Don't slice open your skin and bleed over it!

You have an 18/20, quite easily 20 with some brief editing. I look forward gladly to reading more pieces by you!
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kori-fuzy Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very enjoyable.. I like it, alot.
DearPoetry May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
PrussianPersephone Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
BANG. Hit me right there.

That's all I'll say.
DearPoetry Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-

My favorite part of the poem.

Good job!
DearPoetry Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
I was actually very surprised about the length of this piece because yours are usually shorter.

Also, funny thing, April 8th was the day that I tried to write a shorter poem(you were actually my inspiration to try this style)
DearPoetry Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't seem to think in long verses, but I written them a few times. :)
Mhm, I think my mindset is very "The longer it is the more quality it will have," when truthfully, less can be more.
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