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Submitted on
February 24, 2013
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I drink morphine
like peach tea;
down 6 pills by morning
just to keep my mind
filled up
with nothing.

& I know I can go days
without speaking a word
but-

I want a moon shy girl
with wolves at her back,
bite mark ankles &
a bottle of writer’s tears
tucked under one arm.

I want to be end of the war
kisses bruised into her hipbones;
the epilogue written over her
tiger-striped skin.

With these wisteria limbs
February cold, &
these weak lungs
exhaling coralline whispers,

I’ve got a tongue for words
but still have no idea how to love
a universe girl.
I finally got around to finishing this. It's been sitting in my notebook for ages.
Enjoy.

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:icontotallyuncreativeme:
I'll start by telling you I found this very, very beautiful. The concept was intreaging enough just from the title, which strikes a chord with all of us, yet the simplicity and brutality of those first few lines was such a sudden contrast that made a real impression. From there it pulled me in with gorgeous imagery - "a moon shy girl", "end of the war/kisses bruised into her hipbones" an "wisteria limbs" - that seems oddly but fascinatingly surreal. The tone, rhythm and style are hypnotic and for me it was like being granted an audience on someone's dreams. But it's down to earth too, and I love how it works its way back to the title by bringing all the poetry back down to something all of us can relate to.
Intreaging, dazzling and moving. (I think I'm in love!)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
52 out of 58 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconstarinsomniac2009:
"I drink morphine like peach tea...."

This line lured me into the waters of your silver pen. Such a marvelous display of wordsmithing, my friend; the craft in which you apply to your poetry leaves me breath-taken!

Know that I find this vision to be beautiful!

"the epilogue written over her tiger-striped skin"

A stanza which captures the eye into seeing the sensuous curves of this faceted metaphor for immaculate writing. It makes me feel the aching loneliness of the writer that yearns for love and companionship.

"I’ve got a tongue for words
but still have no idea how to love
a universe girl.


A lament of that which one does not have. Wishing to know the feeling of loving someone and being loved, leaves the reader with the feeling of that loneliness.

What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
22 out of 25 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconpoetryprince:
poetryprince Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2014
i don't think i am quick-witted enough to get most of what your wrote. in fact, i think i am nearly the opposite of the person drinking morphine and taking pills "to calm the conscious day." [you can use that line sometime if you want to steal it, i will probably use it too know that i see it LOL]

the title was great [hooked me ;) ] , but if you are the universe girl, i think the last line is a ...... lie.
        you obviously want the stress and hyper-awareness and memories gone, and desiring the moon shy girl means you want change, a change to protect your true individualistic self, not your body, your mind.
      so i think if my assumptions started out correct, you do love the universe girl very much. you may just need more time to find the solution to the problem.
    if being a plain jane is calming and soothing and easy, and if being special feeds the conscious ego but is "a lot of work" so to speak, the solution might be found in accepting a particular level of "special".
      "the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long" and i personally say we all ready have been given so very little time here.
     if my assumptions are wrong, because like i said i am a bit slow-witted, i apologize.
  
  p.s. i sometimes like looking up word definitions and seeing how they fit in the story, just like i had to with yours :)
Reply
:icondarkcloudassasin:
DarkCloudAssasin Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Student Writer
such beautiful poetry, it really hits the heart at its weakest point :blackrose:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :rose:
Reply
:iconbrain-tree:
brain-tree Featured By Owner May 16, 2013   General Artist
oh my god
what
this literally gave me goosebumps

I am just in awe
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Student Writer
:wow: Wow. This is beautiful.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconwilliamfdevault:
williamfdevault Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Professional Writer
Very evocative. :blackrose:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate it if you could give some love to the other featured pieces and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! C:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome! :)
Reply
:iconmariatala:
MariaTala Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013
a moon shy girl

That's beautiful. I want to know a girl like that.

:heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
...Sometimes you don't.
Thank you!
Reply
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Student Writer
moon shy... those words lingering at the very edge of our light :heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Stunning.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! C:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:icontinaaw:
tinaaw Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lovely work = congrats on this piece. Enjoyed it alot.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Glad you liked it! C:
Reply
:iconkori-fuzy:
kori-fuzy Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That is a really great poem..
Super sexy too..
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! C:
Reply
:iconberriessparrowmouse:
BerriesSparrowMouse Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Beautiful, wonderful!~
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconaikalikka:
aikalikka Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing as always ♥
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! C:
Reply
:iconthelaughingdreamer:
TheLaughingDreamer Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wow............wow.............sorry i dont know what else to say U.U
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's fine. lol
Thank you!
Reply
:iconmintymintamin:
MintyMintamin Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am at a lost of words. . .
This is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and I wish to have the skills that is half of your value.
It took me 4 times to finally understand what this all means.
I feel so cold and alone, and yet I'm in a hoodie in Florida, inside a heated classroom, and surrounded by 40 students.
That is the gravity of how well you wrote this.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! But don't put yourself down, I'm sure your writing skills are wonderful.
I've never taken a poetry class, I was never taught. I just write. And have been writing since I was in 8th grade.
Reply
:iconmintymintamin:
MintyMintamin Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah. . . same here, but haven't started really writing since last year >.>;

And mine might be wonderful, you certainly have the upper hand in this trade.
Reply
:iconcmetalguy:
Cmetalguy Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Artist
This is one of the most amazing things I have ever read, fantastic work!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconaviangel-flycir:
AviAngel-Flycir Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Just wow. I wish I could write like you :clap:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sure you could! C:
Reply
:iconaviangel-flycir:
AviAngel-Flycir Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Working on it :)
Reply
:iconmycolourpalette:
MyColourPalette Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
The whole poem is wonderful, but I just love the first verse. So powerful! :heart:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! C:
Reply
:iconlriker:
LRiker Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Love this.... truly good.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks you!
Reply
:iconlilfixit:
lilfixit Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
So...I feel mean by saying this but I don't get it...I guess I don't get the point. I'm reading the critiques and I'm just like, "oh that's what it's supposed to mean?" I think I just forgot my thinking cap this afternoon. Like I guess I can understand that you miss this girl and want to fill in the void by not feeling. That's all I get out of it really.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
How people give you that many views is beyond me, honestly.

As a poem, I honestly like it. I really do.

And as a poet, you speak for yourself.

Its only the pageviews that put me off.

I'll write what I think, I'll be honest about it, and try not to let the pageviews influence me. So, here we go:

The loneliness that pours out from the words of the poet, in this particular work, is true; I, as a reader, feel for the poet, who longs for his dream woman to be closer to the dream than the real thing (the first stanza, the third stanza, and the fourth stanza; the first is to get into the state in being "presentable" to the woman; the third, just an introduction to what the protagonist sees; and the fourth, what that protagonist wants from her); its the final couplet that's the best part - it concludes the title well, because as poets, we do tend to have the loneliest hearts.

I'm not happy with the use of the tt html code. I don't know why, this work shouldn't be in typewritten format, if you catch my drift; has to be more raw... much more... rough, notebook styled. I'd suggest Vladimir Script font face, at font size 3 or 4.

If that doesn't make sense, what I mean is:

< font face = "Vladimir Script"> < font size = "4" >

that or any standard Wordpad format which is... rough... because the poem, in itself, is very emotive... here it comes out mechanical.

You know best what to do with your poem. I'm just telling you what I feel.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the font suggestion, thank you so much.
And, please don't let my page view count discourage you!
I don't write for anyone other than myself, I don't care about the views.
I'm humbled and glad that people like my work, but I'll take an honest critique over glorification any day.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Alright.

*bump fist* Good to know :)

I'll probably write you something when I have time... Whether you like it or not, time will tell lol. Cheers. :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome, can't wait to see it! C:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconbronybeforepony:
BronyBeforePony Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i was once a writer, i was in love once, but she came to me....i sympathize with the last line
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
What made you stop writing?
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