Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
i.
When I was six a phoenix
tried to drown me.
Underwater I grabbed for fire.

Like Icarus, I was reaching
towards the sun.

I hope he still has
bald spots. I hope he still
cradles searing scars.

He was death,
I was the bird.

ii.
My uncle knows plastic-
wrapped soaps as well
as he knows fine wines.

If he drinks enough,
he thinks it’s love-
carved names rubbing
the silver drain smooth. Diver: 28 days
sweating, ship black against
sea. Like it had been peeled
from amber tongues.

iii.
On my fifteenth birthday, the boy
with stars on his fists and Saturn’s
rings in his eyes told me I was pretty.
It was the first time
anyone had said so. I learned
how to hold my breath,
how to apply foundation,
how to cry

without bleeding tar
down my cheeks,
and how to wear my bones
quieter.

iv.
He says he does it for the money.
He says you have to come up slowly
or else something inside of you will explode.

I didn’t understand what he meant
until I realized my throat was still
somewhere in his bed, tired
and having forgotten itself.

v.
When I left I drove as far
and as fast as I could.
I wear waterproof mascara now. But even

with the feathers sprouting fiery from between
my shoulder blades - I don't look
straight at the sun.
A collaboration between myself and the beautifully talented winterkate!
If you fav mine, please, please, please fav hers! Sundiveri.
When I was six a phoenix
tried to drown me.
Underwater I grabbed for fire.
Like Icarus, I was reaching
towards the sun.
I hope he still has
bald spots. I hope he still
cradles searing scars.
He was death,
I was the bird.
ii.
My uncle knows plastic-
wrapped soaps as well
as he knows fine wines.
If he drinks enough,
he thinks it’s love-
carved names rubbing
the silver drain smooth. Diver: 28 days
sweating, ship black against
sea. Like it had been peeled
from amber tongues.
iii.
On my fifteenth birthday, the boy
with stars on his fists and Saturn’s
rings in his eyes told me I was pretty.
It was the first time
anyone had said so. I learned
how to hold my breath,
how to apply foundation,
how to cry
without bleeding tar
down my cheeks,
and how to wear my bones
quieter.
iv.
He says he does it for the money.
He says you have to come up slowly
or else something inside of you will explode.
I didn’t understand what he meant
until I realized my throat was still
somewhere in hi


Also, this isn't the first poem I've written with her, and probably wont be the last.

Stephanie -Collab(I wrote us in free verse over every inch
               of your tattered surface ).
you were the beatific grin
of a kindergartener high off oxygen,
mouth stretched wide as the entrance to hell,
black tongue bleeding virtuous sin like ichor.
(You taught me praying was for the weak
      as I fell for your gypsum nails,
               white teeth scrabbling over my chalkboard frame).
               
scribbled flesh tells no love story
but three layers of skin
worn thin along the length of our feverish bones.
(Garden flowers tucked away worms and dirt,
      my ribs hoarded misspellings of my mother's name).
dipping your origami limbs into my ink,
you lost yourself within the dark tangles
of my labyrinth roo
Add a Comment:
 
:iconxkyuu-chanx:
I would like to say that, in some of them they were a bit hard to understand. I am not saying they were beautiful, because they were for sure. Though I had a little bit of difficulty understanding the thought behind the work. Though with two working together, this was still quite an amazing piece. I am happy both of you shared this, because it was a nice read for sure. So kindly keep up the good work, and I hope to possibly see more work between you two. For you both truly compliment each other with writing. Please share your work again with us!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbeyond-an-anomaly:
My, this piece is gorgeous. It really had me thinking for a while around what exactly this poem meant...

But first, let's talk about structure.

I actually cannot think of a better way you could have formatted this poem. It tells a story, albeit abstract, into five different sections. Your wording is very precise, and I really love the first stanza:

"When I was six a phoenix
tried to drown me.
Underwater I grabbed for fire."

It already shows the tone the overall piece gives: wonder, and possibly the slight hint of dreams/imagination. The quote, "Underwater I grabbed for fire..." is really eye-catching and grabbed my attention, as it's obviously not a common comparison.

Now, as for the meaning...

This is surely a poem that can be taken in so many different ways...but this was what I got out of it:

i. A young girl loses her innocence...
ii. her uncle is an alcoholic...
iii. she turns fifteen and falls in love with a handsome and dreamy boy...
iv. it turns out he doesn't love her back, possibly only loving her for monetary reasons or just being a more materialistic person...
v. and she feels sorrow afterwards, hoping to be stronger if she ever gets heartbroken again.

Losing innocence and teenage antics are rather common to read about these days, but you wrote the implied story within this poem really well. I really adored the way you wrote this, in a more abstract, surreal fashion; I don't even know if this poem was really about being a teenager. Someone else can come along and pull out a completely opposite meaning from this.

And that is where the true beauty of this poem lies. It all depends on who reads this poem as to what this poem truly means; whether the reader is confused or enlightened, the reader will be thinking when reading this piece. That's what good literature is all about, you know?

All in all, very nice work. I'll be thinking about this piece for a while. :)

-BAA
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
14 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconphoenixflamesrising:
PhoenixFlamesRising Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2014
Aaagh... sometimes a poem is so perfect, so beautiful, so brutally poignant, that it almost hurts to read it. "Hurts so good" type of thing... This is most definitely one of those poems; literally one of the best poems I've read in quite some time. I'm new to the DeviantArt poetry community, but I'm beginning to think this is a treasure trove of published writers, OR those who SHOULD be published writers. Just amazing...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I hope to be published, eventually! :)
Reply
:iconoldsoul-mira:
Oldsoul-Mira Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014

this is definitely one of the deeper poems I have read. it's so...I don't know the but it shakes you to the core...

and it's beautiful in a dangerous sort of way I give you two a five-million-star rating <3 and you have inspired me to become a better writer.

~ice-chan 

Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student Writer
iii. & v. :heart:
Reply
:iconluna-rai:
Luna-Rai Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow, this is beautiful. I particularly enjoyed the third section. 
Reply
:iconhelbdrache:
helbdrache Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014
Intriguing
Reply
:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Student Writer
this was actually fantastic
Reply
:icontarosmyr:
TarosMyr Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014   Writer
What a wonderful collaboration.
Reply
:iconaikalikka:
aikalikka Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The end made me shiver.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014   General Artist
magnificent piece, you two! :clap: <3
Reply
:icondoktorspankenstein:
DoktorSpankenstein Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014
This is genius.  I do not use that word lightly.  Kudos to you both.
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
(I found the DD on her version and felt it only fair that I leave you the same comment and fave, because this is wonderful. <3)

Wow, I can't even... wow. There is so much here to love. The entirety of i. is perfect, and I adore how to wear my bones / quieter, and the way v. ties it back together is just amazing. Wonderful work (to the both of you) and congratulations on the DD! <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I got a DD back in December, I believe.  And you're not allowed to have another for 6 months.
I'm so humbled by this, you have no idea! <3
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
So this is basically you beating the system! Way to go. ;D
<3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Not really, but it's pretty flippin' cool! haha
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely beautiful. you two work wonderfully well together, you just bleed into each other. lovely.
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Woah, I never would have pegged this as a collaboration! Your voices mesh so well!
Reply
:iconanotherpassenger:
AnotherPassenger Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
wowowowow. magnificent.
Reply
:iconluckycoyote:
luckyCoyote Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist
umm i am still comfused ._."  Are these poems telling different stories or are the stories talking about one thing and I just can't connect the dots? 
Reply
:iconsense-and-stupidity:
sense-and-stupidity Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Student Writer
This is an amazingly beautiful piece; it flows so well between both of your styles. 
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Goddamn you guys have a gorgeous style when put together. It's like a firework of...awesome. Yeah I'm not very descriptive right now I'm sorry ahaha
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I agree! winterkate is an amazing writer, and so easy to work with!  :heart:
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014
They are amazing!
Love specially number 2!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! You should check out :winterkate:'s gallery, because she's awesome and stuff. :3
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014
Already on it :D
Reply
:iconwei-en:
wei-en Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014
It's interesting to see the different styles interweaving.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yes it is!  I think our styles go great together! :heart:
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Student Writer
That is so beautiful.
Reply
:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks so much! She's great to work with :)
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Student Writer
You're very welcome!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome ^^
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icondearpoetry: More from DearPoetry


Featured in Collections

awesome literature by darksonicsoul

Literature by chasingcloudbursts


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
January 21, 2014
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,529 (2 today)
Favourites
237 (who?)
Comments
32

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×