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DearPoetry by FoxofEbony

Literature by baichan


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Submitted on
January 26, 2013
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I know more about half-moon palms
than most know about lifelines

the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless.


I know about forged castle ribs & broken homes.

Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned bogieman -

Fangs that tear clear through ice-bone hearts
like they are nothing but pretty paper
to be folded over, again & again & again
by the hands of quivering youths:

Icarus, the reincarnated
sky conqueror searching for warmth.
Ask me about the percentage of my burns.
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:iconjadamslh:
This SO much better than 99.9% of what I see here, I like the images you use very much. You use them well to paint pictures in emotional colors.

Here's my criticism [critique is not a verb, you don't "critique" someone's work, say it what it is, it's a criticism. that doesn't really imply something bad.]

In our wish to convey feelings and / or emotions, we tend to overdo it. We want to be sure that our point gets through, this is natural, but really people are hungry for the implied point, the judo of words, a little implication, a subtle shove of meaning.

Try dialing it back. See how your very good images and emotions work when you use them sparingly.

I'll be interested to see how it works for you, if it doesn't, OK.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconsomebodi-else:
Well hello there, hope you dont mind me doing this.
I found that your imagery was fantstic, and your words beautiful. My favorite line would be...
'Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned boogieman "
Fantastic really. But the ideas you are presenting to the reader dont seem to connect. The first two stanza
I know more about half-moon palms
than most know about lifelines

the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless.

are connected in a way that you can see clearly. The same with the next two.
Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned bogieman -

Fangs that tear clear through ice-bone hearts
like they are nothing but pretty paper
to be folded over, again & again & again
by the hands of quivering youths

There are possibilities for other poems woven into this one.
In the words of my own mentor, you can break it down and wax eloqent about these things, whether or not you choose to do so is all a matter of decision. All in all, this was fantastic, and I hope to read more of your work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconanotherpassenger:
AnotherPassenger Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
this work's title has been used in a poem here <3
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconender1980:
ender1980 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The last line is very powerful.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconvlemode:
Vlemode Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
this is beautiful, like i got caught in it... but i think what impress me more, is the feeling that youcan attach to what you write
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Writer
a certainty dwelling among doubt - that searching among knowledge...
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:iconrunkantusrun:
runkantusrun Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful if i wear a critique everything you write would have a amazing review
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
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:iconrunkantusrun:
runkantusrun Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome i speak truth when it comes to poetry and art
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