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DearPoetry by FoxofEbony

Literature by baichan


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Submitted on
January 26, 2013
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I know more about half-moon palms
than most know about lifelines

the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless.


I know about forged castle ribs & broken homes.

Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned bogieman -

Fangs that tear clear through ice-bone hearts
like they are nothing but pretty paper
to be folded over, again & again & again
by the hands of quivering youths:

Icarus, the reincarnated
sky conqueror searching for warmth.
Ask me about the percentage of my burns.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconjadamslh:
This SO much better than 99.9% of what I see here, I like the images you use very much. You use them well to paint pictures in emotional colors.

Here's my criticism [critique is not a verb, you don't "critique" someone's work, say it what it is, it's a criticism. that doesn't really imply something bad.]

In our wish to convey feelings and / or emotions, we tend to overdo it. We want to be sure that our point gets through, this is natural, but really people are hungry for the implied point, the judo of words, a little implication, a subtle shove of meaning.

Try dialing it back. See how your very good images and emotions work when you use them sparingly.

I'll be interested to see how it works for you, if it doesn't, OK.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconsomebodi-else:
Well hello there, hope you dont mind me doing this.
I found that your imagery was fantstic, and your words beautiful. My favorite line would be...
'Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned boogieman "
Fantastic really. But the ideas you are presenting to the reader dont seem to connect. The first two stanza
I know more about half-moon palms
than most know about lifelines

the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless.

are connected in a way that you can see clearly. The same with the next two.
Myths that are half fact & imaginary friend
turned bogieman -

Fangs that tear clear through ice-bone hearts
like they are nothing but pretty paper
to be folded over, again & again & again
by the hands of quivering youths

There are possibilities for other poems woven into this one.
In the words of my own mentor, you can break it down and wax eloqent about these things, whether or not you choose to do so is all a matter of decision. All in all, this was fantastic, and I hope to read more of your work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconanotherpassenger:
AnotherPassenger Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
this work's title has been used in a poem here <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconender1980:
ender1980 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The last line is very powerful.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconvlemode:
Vlemode Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
this is beautiful, like i got caught in it... but i think what impress me more, is the feeling that youcan attach to what you write
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Writer
a certainty dwelling among doubt - that searching among knowledge...
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:iconrunkantusrun:
runkantusrun Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful if i wear a critique everything you write would have a amazing review
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconrunkantusrun:
runkantusrun Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome i speak truth when it comes to poetry and art
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
"I know more about half-moon palms
than most know about lifelines

the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless.

I know about forged castle ribs & broken homes."


This.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:icondoktorspankenstein:
DoktorSpankenstein Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Okay, I'm asking...
Reply
:iconkaelyb:
Kaelyb Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was expecting folk music, so I was excited.

I enjoyed it though, nonetheless. Even if I'm lost.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Folk music, why? lol
Reply
:iconkaelyb:
Kaelyb Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Folk music wasn't specific enough. My apologies.
It was very pretty and poetic. Reminded me of Iron & Wine.
[link]
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, Iron and Wine! <3 I've never head that song before, but it's pretty!
Reply
:iconnxay:
Nxay Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Really love the last line and the whole flow of the poem! The set mood is great and I love it a BUNCHHHHH.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconalexaclyne:
AlexaClyne Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist
very lovely poem~ ♥



Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconalexaclyne:
AlexaClyne Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist
You're very welcome~ ♥ I've only learned about the rule of nines yesterday during first aid training, so I immediately checked your poem out. xDD;
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YES SOMEONE GOT IT! <3
You're awesome!
Reply
:iconalexaclyne:
AlexaClyne Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist
asdfghjklYAAAAY! :dummy:

No, YOU are awesome. :'D
Reply
:iconhukuforall:
HUKUforALL Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist
Wow! It's hard to say which would be my favorite line, because they're all so amazing. But "dandelion child" and "Icarus, the reincarnated sky conquerer" and "imaginary friend turned bogieman" and "forged castle ribs" and"ice-bone hearts...pretty paper" just really make it for me. Not too fond of the "quivering youths" though, not sure why, for me it sort of interrupts the fluidity of the devastation and torn beauty of the poem. Extremely touching and, to some extent, relatable! :heart: Amazing work!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well--I used the like, 'by the hands of quivering youths' to symbolize their anticipation, naive excitement. Hand a heart to a young, inexperienced person--what are they going to do with it?

Anyway, thank you very much, I am glad you enjoyed this piece!
Reply
:iconmagnusx7:
MagnusX7 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
And que the Zedd-Spectrum TrapZillas. My work here is done.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Um--what? :/
Reply
:iconmagnusx7:
MagnusX7 Featured By Owner May 16, 2013
ohh, old post...If I told you I was high on life and I don't do drugs would you believe me? I just thought the song and the poem had a nice symmetry and this is why I try not to have you tube and deviant art going at the same time anymore. broken wings broken homes...a pair of parables apart, DA%^ IT NO MORE MULTY MEDIA FOR ME!
Reply
:iconpurplegrin:
purplegrin Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
"I know about forged castle ribs & broken homes."


Great!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconpurplegrin:
purplegrin Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
You are most welcome and keep it up ;-)
Reply
:iconalways-a-day-dreamer:
Always-A-Day-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Love you poetry!

(I'm not sure if you know, but this is on the front page of most popular 8 hours!)
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh sweet! :heart:
And thank you!
Reply
:iconalways-a-day-dreamer:
Always-A-Day-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconask-sindreandsvetki:
Ask-SindreAndSvetki Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
((I just adore the way you write. It invokes such visualizations in my mind! My writing is nothing compared to yours. :XD: Anyways, great job and amazing work!))
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! You're sweet. :D
Reply
:iconask-sindreandsvetki:
Ask-SindreAndSvetki Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
((No problem~ And... thank you...))
Reply
:iconsilvergabetha834:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Professional General Artist
You are a painter of words. Beautiful. I adore the images you bring up. Quite lovely.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! XD
Reply
:iconkushamisaru:
kushamisaru Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You have such a way with words...
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconvanitysedge:
VanitysEdge Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
I love this. It is beautiful you are an excellent poet.
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:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconvanitysedge:
VanitysEdge Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
Your welcome!
Reply
:iconseventhclosetpoet:
SeventhClosetPoet Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Many a time your poetry has inspired me and left me breathless, but this is just raw beauty.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! And it's wonderful to hear I have been a source of inspiration to you! :heart:
Reply
:iconstarshinexx:
starshinexx Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"the kind that beg dandelion child,
love-yourself-breathless."

your poems give me such nice feelings.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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