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i.   On some nights,
    street lights guide
    this lonely heart
    to her lonely bed.


ii.  In this universe of twilight skin
    & mismatched bones,
    I wonder just how many poems sleep
    beneath the inkwell of her eyes.


iii.  My body is a house of stars,
     and her palms are black holes
     sucking ( me ) into their vortex of



     nothing.


iv.   She says, "Pleaseómy moon,
     pleaseógive these bones a reason
     to stay."

    & I am whispering lovelies
    into the sanctuary of her heartbeats.


v.   "Goddess temple,
     sunset eyes, &
     my windowpane love-

     Let us eat the stars
     together."
If you follow me on tumblr, you might have seen the birth of this little gem. And I have to say--I am very impressed with myself. I've fallen in love.
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:iconpoisonivyblooming:
Absolutely beautiful.
I am a massive fan of all of your work, but this is my favourite by far.
Very visual images, with perfect amount of emotion.
I could really connect with the persona and understand the meaning.
I would suggest using more... Varied descriptions within the poem. Fr example; if you are writing from two different personas, actually switch your writing style along with the metaphors. By doing this, the facet so so much larger and can be related to by almost any audience.
Overall, beyond excellent work and I look forward to more of your beautiful poems, no matter what they are about.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcheshlytheepic:
The vivid, in-depth, yet smooth texture of this masterpiece was absolutely ethereal. I felt as though I was allowed to partake in this forbidden fruit. Not only because it captivated me so. But because I enjoyed the place in which the reader was able to take. Marvelous read.

I think it would've been more breathtaking (>craves a heart attack<) if you had gave us more about the woman. The Goddess Temple? Well, while you shared your thoughts, I would've enjoyed a little less mystery. Explanation, is what I suggest.

But I still loved it. Marvelous job. Keep it up, please.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely. :)
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome. :)
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
iv. She says, "Please—my moon,
please—give these bones a reason
to stay."

& I am whispering lovelies
into the sanctuary of her heartbeats.


v. "Goddess temple,
sunset eyes, &
my windowpane love-

Let us eat the stars
together."


What is the secret to your amazing imagery? Every poem you make is a joy to read, especially this one! :heart:

You are a lovely, amazing writer (and I'm not kidding) :huggle:
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No secrets. :) I just write. ^^
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconamidarosa:
amidarosa Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013
Usually when I read poems, I see myself as an outsider and it takes its time to reach into my emotions, but your words cut right to the core and it makes its way outwards (if that makes sense). You have such a rich collection of connotations and you transform words into something else.
"My body is a house of stars and her palms are black holes" I can't think of any other ways to describe this kind of intimacy, your poems describe a state of mind beyond physical feelings, they transcend to the spiritual realm.. Do you publish ur works??
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I will eventually have a collection of selfpublished work. :)
Reply
:iconkenyaninja:
Kenyaninja Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is absolutely lovely. The whole thing makes me want to fly or at least jump off a star.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Jumping off a star sounds pretty! :heart:
Reply
:iconravenhart:
Ravenhart Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
Felt like I could reach out and touch the universe itself, reading this one.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh--beautiful! Thank you for the kind words! :heart:
Reply
:icondorianjohnson:
dorianJohnson Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
This is utterly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this amazing piece of work with us <3
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you and you're welcome! :D
Reply
:iconprincelier:
princelier Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is absolutely gorgeous!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconsurrender-the-rose:
Surrender-the-Rose Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
so so so beautiful!
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Why thank you! :D
Reply
:iconsurrender-the-rose:
Surrender-the-Rose Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
youre welcome :)
Reply
:iconkuraitenshiv:
KuraiTenshiV Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist
I like it, it is .... peaceful to me. And lately that is a rare commodity. Thank you for sharing this
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are quite welcome.
Reply
:icondoktorspankenstein:
DoktorSpankenstein Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
Solid, love the composition.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!! :D
Reply
:iconshattered-glass-wing:
I believe, useing a second for of puncation in your first Stanza will slow readers down and give them time to think over your words.
I love how you left Nothing as it's own line and away from all else.
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You have a point. I added a comma after 'On some nights'. :)
Reply
:iconshattered-glass-wing:
i have realized that the writer reads it in their head how it is supose to sound so some times you need to really look or have more eyes
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, and we never realize it until someone points it out. lol
Reply
:iconshattered-glass-wing:
all to true, that or we have to force ourselves to read it backwards inside out line by line slowly fast ect.
Reply
:iconanotherpassenger:
AnotherPassenger Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wonderfullllllllllllllllllllllllll
Reply
:icondearpoetry:
DearPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
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