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when i first met you,
terror chilled down
the heat
of my
louisiana
spine.

i shivered
& my heart
began to build
walls over walls
over walls-

beating:

fuck this,
i won’t let them
hurt you, again.

i have a tendency
to get knocked
off my feet
& not know
how to get back up.

i’m still crawling around,
searching for your heart
beats under my bed
& between my tangled
sheets.

i am pathetic.

but,
you were all crooked,
misshapen insecurities
& nights of forgetting
to take your zoloft.

i didn’t think I would miss that.

i didn’t think I would miss you.

you fell like a meteor
for him, hours after
you demolished me.

& i can’t hope you’re happy
because i’m still patching up
the war zone you left behind.

i taste bile in my throat.

but,
i swallow it back down.
i won’t get sick for you.

i won’t.
i won’t.
i won’t.

too late.
I told myself I wasn't going to post this, but I am now...for reasons.
Add a Comment:
 
:icondeviouskid45:
Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. A stunning poem. The second verse cuts through my heart like a poetic shock. I am hooked after that. What I really love about this poem is it's sense of vulnerability and mental instability. You can get into the narrator's state of mind immediately and you forget yourself. You can feel the sorrow of this person's conflicted heart.

What threw me off was when you included "fuck this" at verse 3. It didn't feel like it fit the whole poem. Maybe if you omit it and let the "I won't let them hurt you again." by itself, maybe it would have more impact.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
26 out of 26 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconphan5everx2:
Phan5everx2 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Louisiana spine gave me an amazing idea, thank you!
Reply
:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The absolute best thing about this poem is the fact that you hear/read the thought pattern of the narrator, and feel as though you are in their shoes. I love poems that allow you to almost forget about yourself and become another person for a moment. The little lines such as "fuck this", "i am pathetic" and "i didn't think i would miss you" further reinforce the fact that you are reading somebody else's thoughts and they additionally carry so much weight throughout the piece. 

Lastly, I love absolutely love the ending of this poem! The repetition of "i won't." and then the single "too late." right at the very end continues with the thought-pattern-style of the piece. It is as though the narrator is trying to convince themselves to do the opposite or changing their mind. I really love poems like this! :heart:
Reply
:iconpetite-soleil:
Petite-Soleil Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013
this one is really impressive too! some really great lines and raw emotion
Reply
:iconmrskyoya:
MrsKyoya Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is shocking, and heartbreaking. and good. so, so, So good.
Reply
:iconxxaiko-chanxx:
xxAiko-chanxx Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very beautiful <3
Reply
:iconmad-genious:
mad-genious Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
are you from louisiana?
Reply
:iconsognatoreviolento:
SognatoreViolento Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013
This is stunning.
Reply
:iconadmirer4022:
admirer4022 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
like picking at barely healed scar tissue. the pain lets us know we're real. excellent work. I love that you flaunt conventional grammar, I'm a nazi about it in my prose, but poetry is different.
Reply
:iconcandyheartsweetness:
CandyHeartSweetness Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013  Student General Artist
It's never too late. Even if things are said and done, that does not mean it's finished.
Reply
:iconcervixdeep:
CervixDeep Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
This is the kind of poem somebody wishes was written for them. It's selfless and wonderful.
Reply
:iconlmonlimecat:
LmonLimeCat Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013
"but,
you were all crooked,
misshapen insecurities
& nights of forgetting
to take your zoloft."
God, I understand that feelings of having to deal with this.
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"& i can’t hope you’re happy
because i’m still patching up
the war zone you left behind."

It's pretty amazing how some people are so ignorant to how they make others feel... this is a great line. :)
Reply
:icononlyalittlekraken:
OnlyALittleKraken Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is really goddamned good! Your poetry is wonderful, oh Bringer of Feels! Hug
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Student Writer
This is just amazing. Thank you for posting.
Reply
:iconlvlone:
lvlone Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist
fucking pussy ass nigger
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i really love how vulnerable you put yourself in your writing. it takes amazing courage to do that, and it makes your pieces that much more breathtaking. beautiful work. :heart: 
Reply
:iconzespair:
zespair Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very nice
Reply
:iconvaveevo:
vaveevo Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
Powerful. But this is exactly what the feeling is. And how it is.
Reply
:iconindieflowers:
indieflowers Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Student Digital Artist
oh my gOD THIS SHOULD BE A SONG
Reply
:iconangelalala923:
Angelalala923 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Student Interface Designer
i’m still crawling around,
searching for your heart
beats under my bed

beautifullllll <3
Reply
:iconcecegrace:
cecegrace Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow. I am at a loss for words.
Reply
:iconyo1000:
yo1000 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
whoa
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
This is fantastic but...auch. :iconhugplz:
Reply
:iconjordie0710:
Jordie0710 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
Wow...
Reply
:iconhadasaugh:
hadasaugh Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Professional General Artist
good reasons explained in the poem itself.
Reply
:icondoktorspankenstein:
DoktorSpankenstein Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
Been there...
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've missed your writing. And, if this is about what I think it's about, then I'm so sorry. :hug: It's wonderful as always. Raw, poignant, and beautiful.
Reply
:iconmarmodre:
Marmodre Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013
I wasn´t sure how to express myself but I´ll just have to join my voice to yours. This is... is... yeah, that which you said.
Reply
:iconaerithechidna4rt:
AerithEchidna4rt Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Whoa...That's, whoa...
Reply
:iconsnowlwolfcat:
snowlwolfcat Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*cries deeply* so beautiful!!
Reply
:iconaj-dion:
AJ-Dion Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Very nice.  Good balance.  :-)  One of the best I've read in a while. 
Reply
:iconforever-or-yesterday:
forever-or-yesterday Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013
this is so wonderful. i adore it and all the vulnerability and defiance in this. it is so excellent.
Reply
:iconxeternalsorrow:
xEternalSorrow Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013
<3
Reply
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