I'm leaving,

I'm not okay. And I'm tired of pretending that I am. I'm telling you all this because I love you, and you have all been there for me when no one else has. 

I apologize for the way I've been acting the last few weeks. I think there might be something very wrong with me, like my serotonin levels, or my hormones are all out of wack or something. I'm not a doctor, so I'm not going to try and diagnose myself. But I just wanted you all to know that I am sorry, and that I am going to be seeking help. And this is why I am taking a hiatus. 

Because crying all the time and wanting to die, that's not normal. That's not me. I'm slipping into this vicious cycle of depression and sever self harm, and I'm scared.

I want to get better, so I'm going to try. 

-Kayla


UPDATE:  So, um--I honestly don't know how to go about helping myself, or getting help.  I tell my family how I'm feeling and I think, "Wow, this is going to be okay." at first. And then the yelling and all the name calling happens all over again.  Basically it's a huge shit storm of well--shit that makes me cry. I spent my whole morning with my mother telling me how ugly I was and 'no wonder no one wants you's'.  I have learned to accept that this is the way my family functions, but I can't just walk away right now.  I have nowhere I can go, and I don't graduate from college until December.  But, I'm also not sure I can make it til then.  I'm not even sure I want help anymore, or if I even deserve it.

On the bright, and/or darker side, if you choose to look at it that away--I have been doing a hell of a lot of writing!