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Literature Text
I was told
to slice through the thickest
of scar tissue this evening.
Let all my inner demons
fall to the floor
& write them out
in my own black blood.
It’s not red anymore,
even though needles
& the bruises
laid out like war-lands
on my arms
say otherwise.
I don’t think it ever was,
honestly.
Therapeutic,
they said.
My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-
but,
I still don’t have the nerve
to slice open my skin
& bleed for her.
to slice through the thickest
of scar tissue this evening.
Let all my inner demons
fall to the floor
& write them out
in my own black blood.
It’s not red anymore,
even though needles
& the bruises
laid out like war-lands
on my arms
say otherwise.
I don’t think it ever was,
honestly.
Therapeutic,
they said.
My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-
but,
I still don’t have the nerve
to slice open my skin
& bleed for her.
Literature
broken dreams and invisible heartstrings
Every morning,
she wakes up to a
hollow chest & stormy,
red rimmed eyes.
It's so easy to be in love
with being in love;
swallowing fake truths
& sincere lies.
But her heart—
it forgot how to smile
two years ago,
because no one can tell
the difference between
imitations & reality.
"Please,
please find me;
I'm lost between the cracks of
dying stars."
Desperate to breathe
yet wondering how it would feel
to drown,
she's never belonged
in this universe.
Literature
Growing Up
it seems that by now I’ve been diagnosed
with a mild case of weightlessness, mindless
drifting past empty homes and the emptier people
that purchased them. I remember conversations
with you about existentialism
and the almost intricate fabric of my mind and
everything in between, and you-- the way you
paused before making a point as
the words defined themselves in your head:
I remember the day I told you I was God.
Creator of all things unimportant, trapped
in the body of a girl with nothing left to give, you
believed me
it must be a beautiful place
inside your head, with a world
that revolves around hope and expectations
the way
Literature
zero
i swore
i would never number the poems
i wrote about myself because that
would be like ticking off the days
until my breakdown;
i was a moth, unapologetically throwing myself
at any gleam of hope; wasting my wings
on industrial promises
colors always felt much more
appropriate for the purple boiling
beneath my heart and the pallid
purposelessness of my head,
but i was born into a colorless world--
no one sees me behind the metallic scars
of my skin and iron grating of my voice against
the grain; no one sees me as more than
gray regret or monochrome mistakes,
no one sees me but
all i ever wanted was for a
fallen god with feathered he
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Most of this was written yesterday, and I apologize for its lateness.
School started and I've been busy.
Day 7:
School started and I've been busy.
Day 7:
NaPoWriMo: Day 7Watch out.
She’s a devil,
that one.
Glad for her spine,
& her teeth,
even God hands fear her.
For she has arched her back
for a flower-woman
with sin dripping
from her fingers
-who taught her
how to laugh
like the stars.
Comments20
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*Firstly, let me say that this is my first critique I have formally written and I aim to give this piece the 'poetic justice' (ha) it deserves. I'll attempt to not bore you senseless with my analysis as well, I often find critiques bludgeon all the fun out of a piece*
It begins powerfully- your intentional use of enjambment forces even the most ADD of readers to move their eyes to the next line and be drawn into the poem. The sibilance of the words such as 'was' 'slice' 'scar' 'tissue' works together with the imagery to set the tone of the poem immediately, this tone being one of a melancholy, abysmal feel.
Your second stanza makes wonderful use of metaphor, the first two lines in particular provide interesting images, however I'm afraid to say that 'black blood' is a tad familiar as far as metaphors about writing your raw emotion go. I'm not saying it's a cardinal sin, just that I went 'meh' a little bit on the inside. Enjambment is also used but it has lost impact because it cuts the lines within their natural rhythms.
It begins to slide into almost an apologetic explanation about the second stanza within the third, and your images become slightly weaker, falling on similes to help that ADD reader comprehend what exactly it is they're seeing. That being said, "& the bruises/ laid out like war-lands/ on my arms" is a delicious simile and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. The enjambment is more carefully placed in this stanza and has regained impact with use of punctuation.
There is a little fill that was nice. Massaging the theme into our head and creating interest with the use of 'they'; directing the blame to a third party about your own emotional writing is a fresh concept.
And it is at this point you decide to drop the bomb- I might have swooned. This fifth stanza is something that could have been written by Ginsberg or Hunter S. Thompson if he'd ever decided to dabble in poetry.
My mind is a mess
of free versed insecurities,
cat’s eye marbles,
& untamed forest fires-
I want to leave this un-analysed. Like when you see a magician, their tricks become dull if their secrets are revealed.
The poem ends with a finality that tells me you've said everything you've wanted to say, and the final use of enjambment gives a roundness to the piece- you began with it as well. The images are really nice, and they address the question you raised "To what extent do I take my writing?"
In essence, this piece is way above par; you have withstood my analysis to the 99th degree and you have managed to enthral me. There are some blemishes behind the ears on this otherwise perfect face of a poem; but I don't want you to take it too harshly. Don't slice open your skin and bleed over it!
You have an 18/20, quite easily 20 with some brief editing. I look forward gladly to reading more pieces by you!